I wonder if I’m really well or my mind’s really going to blow me away. I think I’m having a relapse. I have to write this down just in case I won’t be able to get in touch with reality. At least someone will have a glimpse of how I am when I’m insane.
Everyday is a struggle to sanity. I feel like I am crawling my way just to call it a day. I have to do tasks in the best manner that I can so I can cope with my responsibilities. I believe that I should execute tasks so to make the most out of my time and energy.
Thoughts are really running in my head and right now, I kind of wish that I have thousands of hands and thousands of computers for me to input all these ideas that are coming out. I don’t want to consider this thing that’s going on as an emotion because it will be messy. I think I am desperate. I want to be saved but I know I am the only one who can actually save myself. I choose not to talk much about this sanity struggle. I’d rather cry myself to sleep and face all the troubles alone. Sometimes I feel like people are getting tired of hearing me out. Well, I don’t blame them if that is really the case… I will never just open up to them again.
Can you believe it? I think I’m really going insane… or maybe I am just having an anxiety or panic attack. Well… Panic attacks don’t last that long. I don’t know. I’m talking nonsense.
You may hear me saying this a lot of times and I bet you’re already sick and tired of hearing this “whatever” but I feel so alone. I’m so desperate. I’m so scared. Scared of what? I don’t know. Maybe I’m scared of getting stressed and being alone – not having someone to tell me that all will be fine. I have to be assured that I’ll be fine I’m so anxious and I’m so tired. I want to be free from all this and I’m not TRYING to be ok because I’m really DOING my best to be fine.
I guess I’m not really well. I should’ve consulted a shrink or something. Maybe I really need to take medications it’s just that I’m afraid I might get too dependent on those pills. It may be another way to destroy my life. Not another dose of that. My life is fine but the feeling that I get from it is wrecked.
I just wish someone’s here right now to text me or just tell me whatever so I can keep my mind of this. I’m so scared. I just have to type away in order to get rid of foolish thoughts. I really think I’m having a relapse.
I want to call people but I know they’re all sleeping already or they’re probably busy doing tasks. …Maybe the issue was never really resolved. Maybe I still have a lot of questions and I need to find the answers right away. Maybe this is caused by my environment. Maybe it’s the genes. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know what this is but one thing’s for sure… I’ll be at rage if someone will contradict me right now. Weird emotions e?
I know I have a problem but my greatest problem is that I don’t know what that problem is. I am hurting. I am still in pain. I am still grieving. I am stressed. I am happy when I socialize. I get sad when I’m alone. I can’t accomplish tasks when I’m alone (which is so unusual because I am more effective in doing tasks when I’m alone). I just have to sleep and sleep and sleep so to escape this moment of misery.
Yes, it does look like I know what I’m talking about but I can’t point what the problem is… where I should start… what to do (since I’ve tried to start giving remedies and making actions to make me better in the different aspects of my life – I can’t really pin down where the problem originated).
I’m talking nonsense but I have to write this down. I don’t want to keep it inside and then I’ll suddenly lose my rational mind again and do something stupid. I don’t know.