Reality Check!


Friday, September 30, 2005

Crayola at Salcedo

I wonder if I’m really well or my mind’s really going to blow me away. I think I’m having a relapse. I have to write this down just in case I won’t be able to get in touch with reality. At least someone will have a glimpse of how I am when I’m insane.
Everyday is a struggle to sanity. I feel like I am crawling my way just to call it a day. I have to do tasks in the best manner that I can so I can cope with my responsibilities. I believe that I should execute tasks so to make the most out of my time and energy.
Thoughts are really running in my head and right now, I kind of wish that I have thousands of hands and thousands of computers for me to input all these ideas that are coming out. I don’t want to consider this thing that’s going on as an emotion because it will be messy. I think I am desperate. I want to be saved but I know I am the only one who can actually save myself. I choose not to talk much about this sanity struggle. I’d rather cry myself to sleep and face all the troubles alone. Sometimes I feel like people are getting tired of hearing me out. Well, I don’t blame them if that is really the case… I will never just open up to them again.
Can you believe it? I think I’m really going insane… or maybe I am just having an anxiety or panic attack. Well… Panic attacks don’t last that long. I don’t know. I’m talking nonsense.
You may hear me saying this a lot of times and I bet you’re already sick and tired of hearing this “whatever” but I feel so alone. I’m so desperate. I’m so scared. Scared of what? I don’t know. Maybe I’m scared of getting stressed and being alone – not having someone to tell me that all will be fine. I have to be assured that I’ll be fine I’m so anxious and I’m so tired. I want to be free from all this and I’m not TRYING to be ok because I’m really DOING my best to be fine.
I guess I’m not really well. I should’ve consulted a shrink or something. Maybe I really need to take medications it’s just that I’m afraid I might get too dependent on those pills. It may be another way to destroy my life. Not another dose of that. My life is fine but the feeling that I get from it is wrecked.
I just wish someone’s here right now to text me or just tell me whatever so I can keep my mind of this. I’m so scared. I just have to type away in order to get rid of foolish thoughts. I really think I’m having a relapse.
I want to call people but I know they’re all sleeping already or they’re probably busy doing tasks. …Maybe the issue was never really resolved. Maybe I still have a lot of questions and I need to find the answers right away. Maybe this is caused by my environment. Maybe it’s the genes. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know what this is but one thing’s for sure… I’ll be at rage if someone will contradict me right now. Weird emotions e?
I know I have a problem but my greatest problem is that I don’t know what that problem is. I am hurting. I am still in pain. I am still grieving. I am stressed. I am happy when I socialize. I get sad when I’m alone. I can’t accomplish tasks when I’m alone (which is so unusual because I am more effective in doing tasks when I’m alone). I just have to sleep and sleep and sleep so to escape this moment of misery.
Yes, it does look like I know what I’m talking about but I can’t point what the problem is… where I should start… what to do (since I’ve tried to start giving remedies and making actions to make me better in the different aspects of my life – I can’t really pin down where the problem originated).
I’m talking nonsense but I have to write this down. I don’t want to keep it inside and then I’ll suddenly lose my rational mind again and do something stupid. I don’t know.
...Do you believe that men are greater than women? ...Cause a damned freak told me that info.

Posted by Thinker :: 10:57 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Thursday, September 29, 2005

something forwarded

BE PATIENT
This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital. Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home & committed suicide. Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge. People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
-so true...(i feel like blogging but I'm not in the mood to blog. wtf!?)

Posted by Thinker :: 7:22 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, September 25, 2005

do good, do well

DO GOOD… DO WELL
Everyday, we wake up... open our eyes, take a bath, eat and start our chores. There are a lot of things to do. We all have lots of responsibilities. These responsibilities rooted from our families, studies or work and of course from the society we all move with. Often times, we get tired of all these responsibilities and some even try to escape from it. They try to live each day by only facing what is convenient and what would benefit them more. Some concentrate too much on what would make them happier. They expect to get that feeling of happiness and contentment by focusing on their current states.
We only live once. A time passed can never be brought back and therefore we have to seize each day that lies ahead of us. How? Simple! By doing GOOD and doing WELL in every chores, tasks and responsibilities. We must be conscious of every decisions we take because it affects the world we live in.


Good: an adjective that indicates that something is approved of or desirable; of a high quality or standard (Encarta Dictionary 2003 ed.)
Well: a grammatical word indicating that something is satisfactory or is performed in a satisfactory way (Encarta Dictionary 2003 ed.)
“Do Good, Do Well.” The phrase speaks of different ideas but it all arrives in only one meaning and this is to seize the day. It talks about taking advantage of every opportunity that is introduced to us. Each time we breathe the air equals an opportunity of making use of each second wisely as we spend our lives.
We do not have to let each day pass by only facing what is “attractive” and easy for us. Often times, we always take the easy way out. We usually think of ourselves – how we look, what are we having for dinner, how we make ourselves rich, etc. Being focused on ourselves is natural. We all have the instinct to do things for us to survive. This is human nature. However, sometimes because we brood over on ourselves, we miss the chance to actually experience the kind of happiness that we get by giving our attention to other people. Yes, there is a kind of happiness that we get by thinking less of ourselves. There is a “fulfilled” feeling whenever a person reaches out to the society.
It doesn’t matter how long or how wide you extend your help to other people. It doesn’t matter your style of sharing a portion of yourself to them but what is important is that you share a certain awareness with them - being responsible for your neighbor, being conscious that your acts (simple or not) affect the society and simply being selfless.
A good example of acts of selflessness that will greatly affect the society is by considering the less fortunate when putting up a business. You can help these people by taking into account the product costs and labor costs. The costs of the product should be affordable to these less fortunate people. They should also be able to experience the delight of using a product. The costs of labor should also be taken into consideration. A just compensation will be greatly appreciated by these workers especially those that are below the poverty line. You do not only help these workers but also their families.
I believe that when we do good to others, we are also doing well for ourselves. We learn to appreciate the simple things that we already have. We learn to be thankful and be contented. We start to realize that we already have so much when compared to others and we can still help in our different ways. These ways doesn’t have to be very big efforts but we can start of by little methods. When we do good to ourselves, we are also doing well to others. Our little efforts of being a responsible and socially aware daughter/son, student and citizen affect the society in ways we can imagine. We are all interconnected. We are all our brother’s keepers thus we have to seize our lives by doing good, doing well, and making a difference.


*I didn't know a movie can make me feel so empty. Yes, I feel empty. I always experience this feeling... a feeling of losing someone very important you... over and over again ... and you can't just damn escape it. After my suicidal shits, I realized that there'll be times that I'll have no control of my thinking. I guess that is why I am now so scared of getting the blues... I don't want to do it again... It is not the temptation of death but more of my thoughts... my mind... it might not be able to escape the shits of reality... I'm just full of crap tonight. oh fuck it.

Posted by Thinker :: 11:09 PM :: 1 Comments:

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Saturday, September 17, 2005

Blogging about my blog

What is happening? :(


Look, why do you have a blog anyway? To post your thoughts, vent out your frustrations and of course, to get other people's opinion about it right? That doesn't mean that it always has to be positive. - I know. Didn't I mention that the last time? :( I was just trying to correct whatever... emphasize my point. I just want to Let that person understand what I really think and FEEL.
Different people have different views. - Correct! I don't know. It's a bit confusing now. So, does it mean that if someone posted a comment on your blog that doesn't contain all praises you'll be ranting all over. - Hell no. I'm not anticipating for praises. I don't need those. But Id appreciate if people will comment on my blog in a "not so offending" manner. oh... whatever.
I'm a bit disappointed. - Same here.
I used to think that you're one hell of a smart, open-minded person. Now, it seems that you cannot handle criticism. - I can handle criticisms. Yes I take them seriously... it's really helpful especially whenever I reflect on aspects that I need to improve on. You should meet some people I know so you'll understand. LOL :) I guess it's the manner of criticizing that really ticks me off. (mmm... I suddenly remembered my fave guy cousin's mom who shouted at me because I can't find the syrup at McDO! LOL. :D parang walang connectioN! :D The connection? Well, she used to give hurtful remarks... especially when it comes to my parents... (particularly to my dad... which is her bro) ...and to my school... and to my sister... and to me... ...Proud to say that I handled all the criticisms that they spit on us. I've forgiven her...:) BUT I'LL NEVER FORGET ALL THE STUFF THAT SHE SAID (or they said)... I have her words in me... and I used those criticisms to improve myself and show her that me and my family deserve some RESPECT. I can be all that (gosh.. I'm so motivated to study... sha lang pala dapat kong isipiN! hahahaha!) (ano ba to... an layo na! hahahah! grabe, naalala ko lang!). mm.. same here sa blog na to... all comments.. praises or criticims... hay.. they're nothing. I just had the urge to correct what Anonymous said. Sort of emphasizing and clearing my point.
For me, sometimes we all need some diversity. Usually the type of person that can tell you her thoughts straight out without any sugar coating (no matter how harsh it may be) will be the one to make you realize the things that have been blinding you all along. - so true!
Appreciate every person around you. and when you want some feedback, don't expect everyone to be showering you with praises. You're not the center of the universe. - I don't expect anyone to shower me with praises... PRAISES ARE JUST WORDS THAT WILL PLAINLY FLATTER YOU... WORDS THAT'LL BOOST YOUR SELF - ESTEEM. I DON'T NEED A DOSE OF THAT. I'm more particular with people who has an OPEN MIND... WHO KNOWS HOW TO LISTEN (err.. read)... UNDERSTAND... WHO DOES NOT ONLY OPEN HIS MOUTH BUT ALSO HIS SENSES. ...WHO DOES NOT THROW CRITICISMS BECAUSE HE FEELS THAT WHAT I'VE WRITTEN IS DIFFERENT FROM HIS PERSPECTIVES... BUT INSTEAD SOMEONE WHO'LL CRITICIZE ME BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT HE CAN MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON. Anlabo ba? It shows kse in the manner that person constructs his sentences. I wish I can explain it better.
tsk. I feel so bad about all these. ano baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa kuya... :(

Posted by Thinker :: 11:39 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, September 16, 2005

WHAT THE FUCK!?

FROM ANOYNYMOUS (anonymous from my last blog):
"special" friend? there you go again. we all know that she must have forwarded that message to all her friends. i mean, gosh! we all do that, especially for those with sun. duh?!


RESPONSE:
"special" friend? - why? is the word "special" bothering you? all of us are "special"... naman right? -smirks-


Deary, I dun think you comprehend whatever stuff that I posted the last time. Anyway, what do you mean by your "there you go again."?... "again"? Sounds like you know me.



"We all know that she must have forwarded that message to all her friends." - well, yes I know that... LOOK: "Yes, I know... it's just a stupid quote. She must have forwarded it to every single chic in her phonebook...". See? I've considered that thought. tsk. I just don't get you. It feels like you strongly disagree with whatever I've said on my entry when in fact ... we share the same point!

Honestly, I kinda feel bad about this comment. :( What the fuck is wrong with what I've posted? I'm just happy being her FRIEND. I am just contented with what's going on. what the fuck. I never thought having a blog sucks.

Posted by Thinker :: 11:07 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Missing My Beautiful Sranger

I wonder why everything's a routine these days. I was bored. I checked my dl account and there... I checked out... my beautiful stranger's page. Golly. I missed the old days! LMAO! I have not seen her since July (I think). I think I brought her medicines and choc crinkles. She was sick that time and I was dead worry about her. We weren't able to hang out that long since she had to go to work and I had to go to school.
She's such a kid! LOL
mmm. I wonder what she's doing right now? Prolly, she's still at work. Yeah, she's still at work. She texted me the other day her schedule. I was surprised when she texted me a quote the other night. It wasn't really the kind of forwarded messages that she usually sends (she sends me "loka" quotes!... I don't even consider a quote! LOL).
Here's the quote she sent me:
"A person asked me once why I love hanging out with you. I cme to think about it 4 the first time and got the answer: Of all the people I knew who heard my life, you're one of the few who listed. =)".
Yes, I know... it's just a stupid quote. She must have forwarded it to every single chic in her phonebook BUT I really appreciate the fact that she thought of sending it to me. I never really think that she considers me as a "special" part of her life since... I'm JUST a KID. I'm just her KAMOTE. geeze! That nick drives me nuts!
I really treasured that stranger. I treasure her till now. Even though she can be really annoying at times (which is most of the time! LOL), she's got a way with me. You're probably wondering why... Well, it's not because of her looks (She's so not ugly ok? In fact, she's mmm... beautiful (that is why I named her - beautiful stranger)... It's because there's something in her eyes that is UNEXPLAINABLE. Sometimes I don't like the way she treats me... but seeing those flaws makes me want to understand her more. I feel like there's SOMETHING behind her behavior. Gawd... Do I sound silly? (HELL NO.). She really is a stranger to me... a sensual, immortal and nomadic stranger.
Well, whatever. All I know is that even though we both view life in a different perspective, I'll always be the KAMOTE she met at LaDida a few years ago. I'll always love her as a stranger... as a friend...

Posted by Thinker :: 8:00 PM :: 2 Comments:

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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

the search for the best wallet

The search for the best wallet. - OO, tama ka... naghahanap nga ako ng wallet. Pano kasi yung wallet ko, hindi na maswerte. Palagi na akong walang pera. Kaya pagkagaling sa eskwelahan, dumeretcho agad ako sa mall para maghanap ng bagong wallet. Ang hirap talaga!

Una kong pinuntahan yung wallet na dati kong nagustuhan, ilang bwan na ang nakakalipas. Baka kasi andun pa yun, sayang naman. Nangnakarating ako sa store, nandun pa pala yun. Nagiisa na lang. Sinipat ko yung wallet at habang tumatagal, lalo kong nakikita na hindi pala maganda ang pagkakagawa sa wallet na yun. Sayang naman. Akala ko kasi ayos na, may wallet nako. Bagay na bagay pa yun ichura nya sa personalidad ko.

Naghanap na lang ako ng ibang wallet. Nakarating ako sa Mango at may nagustuhan din naman akong wallet doon. Tamang tama yun wallet. Kulay puti iyon - ang paborito kong kulay. kakaiba ang disenyo nito. Kahit saan ay wala pa akong nakikitaang may ganung disenyo. Angkop na angkop din ang mga lalagyanan nito sa mga ilalagay ko. Bibilhin ko na dapat iyong wallet kaso nang nakita ko kung magkano, hindi pala sapat ang pera kong dala. Kulang pala.

Dahil hindi sapat ang aking pambili, pumunta ako sa mga tiangge. Madaming wallet. Mura lang. Iba't ibang disenyo, iba't ibang kulay. May malaki, may maliit. Iba iba talaga. Kahit madaming pagpipilian, wala parin akong nagustuhan. Wala kasing "swak" para sa akin. Madami dami narin ako ng nakikitaan na may gamit ng ganoong wallet. OO nga, pwede na rin... pero gusto ko, sa akin yung kakaiba.

Napapagod nako sa paghahanap ng BEST wallet. Naalala ko, may wallet pa nga pala akong isa pa na nakatago lang sa bahay. Nagamit ko na rin iyon dati kaso, parang iba - parang walang swerte. May pagka malaki rin ito. Hindi ko gusto yung kulay, pero mapapagchagaan narin. Maganda yun pag nagcocommute. Madali lang kasing gamitin pag nagcocommute ako o kaya pag ako'y nagmamadali. "Reliable" kung baga.

Lakad lang ako ng lakad hanggang nagpasya nalang ako na hindi na lang muna ako magpapalit ng wallet. Bakit nga ba ako nagmamadali mag palit ng wallet? OO nga't luma na ang wallet ko, hindi na maswerte, may konting sira na rin pero sa ngayon iyon lang talaga ang wallet na aangkop sa akin.

...Para pa lang ang paghahanap ng wallet ay ang paghahanap ng taong mamahalin mo (shempre isingit nanaman daw ba ang LOVE?! Chenes!).

Sinubukan ko bumalik sa wallet na akala ko'y maganda at bagay sa akin. Pero ng masipat ko ito ng mabuti, hindi pala iyong wallet na iyon ang babagay sa akin. Hindi pa pala iyon ang tamang wallet.

Iyong wallet sa Mango? Gustong gusto ko din iyon. Minsan ka lang kasi makakita ng ganoong wallet. Pero ano namang magagawa ko kung hindi ko talaga maabot ang wallet na iyon? Pagpipilitan ko ba? Magwiwithdraw ba ako sa atm? ichcharge sa credit card? Ipapangutang ko ba? May mga bagay talaga sa mundo na sadyang mahirap maabot. Siguro sa ngayon hindi mapapa sa akin iyong wallet na iyon... pero malay mo.

Iyong wallet sa changge. Grabehan! Ang dami talaga at mura pa! Iyon, madaling abutin - madaling bilhin. Madami na ring taong may ganoong klaseng wallet. Pero bakit kaya hindi ko ito binili? I don't want to settle for anything less. I want to have the best. OO nga, madami sila. Bawat changge ay umuulan ng ganung klaseng wallet pero ayoko kahit ordinaryo. Siguro kasi alam kong, darating din ang araw na makakita ako ng tama at magandang wallet para sa akin.
At iyon nga palang luma kong wallet na nakatago, Iyong wallet na iyon ang aking takbuhan pag feel ko lang na magpalit ng wallet. Nandon lang kasi sha palage. Pero, kahit ilang beses ko talaga subukang balikan iyong wallet na iyon, gaano man ito ka reliable, wala pa rin iyong matinding pagkagusto na gawin kong permanenteng wallet iyon - wala talagang "swerte".
Hay nako, naisip ko lang, bakit nga ba ako hanap ng hanap ng wallet e wala nga pala akong pera. Wala pa nga pala akong mailalagay sa wallet na magugustuhan ko. Wala.
Wala pang pag ibig (charooo!). Gastos dito, gastos doon. Mashado ata akong na engganyo sa pag gamit sa wallet ko, kaya eto... wala nang natirang laman dito.

Pansin ko, mashado pala akong nagmamadali maghanap ng taong mamahalin(oo na, boyfriend na! charoo talaga!). Sa totoo naman, meron pa talaga akong minamahal. OO nga't luma na sha (nasa memorya na lang nga e), may sira na rin ang aming samahan (wag mo ng itanong, matagal na kaming wala), hindi na maswerte dahil ilang luha na rin ang aking iniyak...(chang! hindi lang balde!) pero alam kong, sa kabila ng mga depektong iyon, yun taong iyon sa ngayon ang kaya ko lang tanggapin. Iyong wallet na iyon lang talaga ang kaya kong gustuhin.

Malungkot no? Hindi nako nakakita ng tamang wallet... pero malay natin... pag dating ng oras... pag nag ka pera nako... pag tama na ang panahaon... kapag ok na ko...

Posted by Thinker :: 9:26 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

Ngayong Kahapon

Ito ang epekto ng pag-iisa sa bahay.


NGAYONG KAHAPON
Nakakapagod din mangarap…
…Na bukas ang langit ay bughaw…
Kasabay sa paglago ng damo…
…Ang pagtingkad ng araw
At ang agos ng luha.
Mahirap magtago sa kawalan…
Magpanggap na Lumipas na.
Ang ngayon ay kahapon pa rin.
Tahimik ang buhay kung mag-isa…
…Walang gulo, simple lamang.
Maraming bago ngunit isa ka nalang…
Na hahango sa makabagong araw.
Mabilis ang pag patak ng oras…
At patuloy parin ang laro ng buhay.
Imiikot sa ilalim ng tadhana…
Wala ng mabakas sa kanyang mukha.
Sa loob ng gubat ng panaginip,
Gusto ng patuloy na maligaw.
Ayaw kumawala dahil nandoon ka..
Dahil sa pag gising, ako’y nagiisa.



*para sa MAHAL.

Posted by Thinker :: 10:07 PM :: 0 Comments:

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Friday, September 09, 2005

She's engaged!

I had a cup of coffee and I can't sleep so I decided to just open my friendster account... scan... look for friends... and voila! There I was shocked with... what I saw. Well, it's not really a biggie. I just saw this known butchee of the "butchee world"... and she's actually engaged! yes! As in! I still can't believe it. Lots of girls like her...she's smart, good looking, rich, well - educated... nice. Lahat na. Her girl's luckY! :) Well, I guess both of them are lucky. Both are very much in love.
Mmm... I wonder if I'll ever get married. I ain't liking anyone right now. No prospects. No dates. No nothing. I am actually not ready to date yet. In fact, I miss her a lot.
I guess it'll be harder for me to commit in a relationship this time. I don't want anymore heart breaks. I kinda envy that butchee - the one who's getting married. ...er... I kinda envy her girl. OK... I envy both of them! LOL. They've found "love". They're both willing to sacrifice the proximity and their time together. They've given their promises. Man, they're engaged! I hope to experience that SOMEDAY.
It still hurts. The thing that hurts me more is... I never really experienced that kind of LOVE from her... I was never enough. IT still stings.
Though there are changes that happened... some things just can't change. Relatives still stink...a ms. "i'm like you" cousin is still a backstabber... my heart's still broken... my friends are still THE BEST...next to my PARENTS... yadah yadah...
oh, whatever... maybe I'm just tired.

Posted by Thinker :: 1:22 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Goofing

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*lights - camera - action! we were at a friend's house celebrating her birthday. She's not in the pic. :( Sad. I want to post our picture together.. I just dunno how to resize the pictures! I sooo love my friends. Sayang, I'm not in my uniform. I don't have class kse. I went straight to my friend's pad. We had so much fun... ate a lot... laugh a lot. *sigh* I wish everyday's my friend's bday! LOL

Posted by Thinker :: 1:17 AM :: 1 Comments:

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Friday, September 02, 2005

Didn't I tell myself not to expect?

I just got home from the dressmaker! I asked her to make a gown for me. I gave her my design and all that. I was sooooooo excited! GAWD! She wasn't able to follow my design. The skirt looked like a curtain! Even if I don't want her to make the skirt all over again... I just had to! It was sooooooo UGLY. I SWEAR! Anyone wouldn't want to be caught dead in that skirt! Anyway back to my story... and so I was there... trying to be nice... trying to control my temper. I was really annoyed... actually, I am still annoyed.
I've been so excited with that gown because I designed it. I have been expecting that it'll turn out great. It's sort of an accomplishment for me if I'll be able to wear my design. It's just frustrating especially since my passion really evolves in designing and styling. :(
Good luck to me tomorrow!
... after the party, I'll be heading straight at the leadership training. So I guess that'll be around 1 am? I dunno. I have lotsa stuff to bring tomorrow, plus I have to be at the mall in the morning so I can find some cheap stuff that'll make the gown look fine.
Wish I took fashion designing instead of my course right now but oh well... got a year and a few months to go before I'll graduate so I have to stick with it.

Posted by Thinker :: 11:22 PM :: 0 Comments:

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