Reality Check!
Wednesday, October 26, 2005 A scoop of my bitchology I was never a bitch but I know a girl who forced me to become one. Want to meet her? BITCHOLOGY I was a part of a bitchy group back then. Hanging out with them was so much fun except for one thing: When they bully girls. We were like the "MEAN GIRLS". The group bullied a particular girl --- a lot. I kind of pitied her to the extent that I quit being one of the "MEAN GIRLS". After that, the girl and I became friends - Close friends - or so I thought. The girl I saved from all the bullies... tsk! - left me! She then started declaring herself a fashionista blah blah. Tried to be with the "it" crowd. Never spoke to me again - not even when she needs something from me! What's up with that? Dropping me like a hot potato eh? tsk! well, rule number 1 for a "fashionista" like her: never wear a sports watch while trying to carry a glam look. Sports watch - is for sports?! ... casual events... not a glam night! rule number 2: deary, what's with the scarf? you're not in hollywood! (btw, the scarf is silver?!) ...not even hollywood stars would be caught dead in that one! rule number 3: you don't wear a thick band for your pony tail during glam nights. rule number4: Never tease or flirt someone by biting a straw!? that's sooooo. rule number 5: Caeyo emanates karma-tic effects. ...tsk... well, if you can't believe that I have a bitchy side... you've just seen a part of it! 
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 I don't feel like going to school to ask for a break down of my tuition fee!? AS IF I'm going to steal some cash. HA! Even my parents don't ask for a break down. I don't feel like discussing the tuition fee with anyone else but my parents. DAMN HIM! DO I LOOK LIKE A SWINDLER?! ARGH! I DON'T WANT TO TAKE UP NEXT SEM IF IT MEANS THAT I HAVE TO COOPERATE WITH CLOSE MINDED PEOPLE. DAMN!!!
Monday, October 24, 2005 As I put myself to slumber… I thought... this life is a very long journey. … Scenes are flashing. A walk towards the gate. A walk towards a goal – my goal. To get out And be free. I’ve journeyed with a lot of people. Some I’ve met along the way. Some wanted to catch Up with me. Some ended their journey early. Others suddenly trip on their way. I help them get up. Then they left… with no nothing. At times I trip… Amazed, I wasn’t alone. Few people I know were behind me… …ready to catch me when I stumbled. Some I’ve met along the way, Walked with me… They got bored… and left. Some are nice… Walked with me… Only to find out that we’re heading …on different streets. Most of the time I walk alone. Spotted a company… Only to find out he was not traveling alone. Along the way, it rained. Hard. A car pulled up. I went in and saw the driver… It was GOD. Although the journey is tiring… And I am moving alone… I have to keep the faith… And let go of the pain. At times I want to stop dreaming… Of having someone to travel with… but maybe he is still out there… maybe still losing his way… …til we meet at the intersections… …then maybe he might want to stay. *I don't want to be alone... but no one can seem to qualify as a perfect partner! Goshness! All the great people are taken... except me (and some of my friends)! HA!
Saturday, October 22, 2005 I just read ****** message board and finally someone posted that GLBT is looking for contributors for their magazine. I am so psyched to send my resume BUT I'm not so confident with my works. I don't think I write that well to actually apply for a magazine. I think this is an opportunity - a basic step towards my passion. I don't know, I'm so confused right now. Especially since the magazine is quite "mature" for me. I don't know what they expect from the contributors. I love writing. I write a lot. I share some of my works but ... I never really planned of applying for this kind of job... this early. Should I go for it? OR Should I wait til I think I'm ready? UGH!
Friday, October 21, 2005 We had dinner, we were already drinking… and at last, our guy friends arrived. I was quite pissed off. I’ve always hated waiting. Mmm… let’s just say they had a WORD from me. It kind of made me feel bad though. But anyway, all’s fine now. I was able to talk to one of them and said my apologies. I can’t believe I’m so down. I am soooooo down. I’m not drunk. I just had a shot of Blow Job (and guess what? I set my thumb on fire! Hahaha! CLUTZ!) and two glasses of J&B with coke. I wasn’t tipsy at all. Cowee, a good friend of mine dropped by to see me. Too bad, we weren’t able to talk that long. She invited me for a coffee but I really had to go home. Cowee is special. Ever since I was in junior high, she has been there for me. We both know each other’s heart aches. I’m glad to have a friend like her (she’s kind of cute also… but that’s just about it). Have you ever felt like you are alone? I mean, you are surrounded by people whom you know… people that are close to you and yet you feel like you are different? It’s probably just me… thinking weird. I miss having someone to talk to. Someone who will just listen and tell me that she/he’s just there…will never get tired of hearing me out.. whatever. I’m talking bull. I can handle this… aja! Fighting! …Have you ever lost someone who makes you feel alive? for my friend.. i know that you're hurting.. -hugz- Save your tears for someone who won't make you cry... BLIND MAN Do you ever feel… The sorrow that lingers behind my smile? Do you ever see the tears… That have been held back for the longest time? But you’ll never see… And you’ll always be deaf from the unspoken. When will you ever deem… Of A love… My love that has been there since forever? Should I weep in front of you? Should I kneel for you to see the truth? An emotion buried in the dark… Something that you will never treasure. It echoes endlessly: “Acceptance will set you free” Will it push me to liberty? Or will it merely immortalize my insanity? Trapped in the corners of my sentiments… No words can make this halcyon. Not even rage or sympathy… This is me being wretched… With something that you’ll never see.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005 I just finished watching a Cinderella Story. Yes, it’s a chick flick with the typical mean girls in it. It has a nice ending, Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff lived happily ever after – just like what happened in the real Cinderella Story. Yes, this is just one corny movie and it really surprised me that it actually carried some lessons that I can relate with. 1. Keep on dreaming. It may seem tough to continue on dreaming and hoping and shits like that. It can get really tiring. Honestly, I’ve been quite tired waiting for me to be happy. I can’t wait to meet my prince and get over this heartache. I know that I am so wrong. I can be happy even without my prince. I kept on telling myself that. I guess I have to get over this heartache first then that’s the time that I’ll resume on dreaming and waiting for the right person to come. And… ahem… it should be a prince not another princess (hopefully). I need to be more patient. I have to remind myself often that I’m still young and in time I’ll be able to find a person even more beautiful than Chad Michael Murray and Dermot Mulroney! HA! 2. Take charge and be in control of yourself. I am a very emotional person and my mood shifts a lot – fast. Sometimes other people think that I actually have a bipolar disorder. Probably I have been like this because I am not so in control of myself. I let my feelings get on the way. My thoughts are rapidly flashing that it also quickly influences the way I perceive things. I just realized now that… What if all’s not so bad and I’m just making a big problem out of small issues? I have to be control and I know that it will take a lot of practice before I can finally change the way I approach things. 3. Be in control of the situation. I cannot be in control of the situation if I am not in control of myself otherwise I’ll end up controlling others and not the situation itself. Just like what my uncle told me… I have to shift my paradigms. I guess being in control of the situation means knowing that in this life, we are never going to run out of options. It’s just that at times, the options that fate serves us are not really the options that we prefer… but in the end, these are still considered options. I have to be flexible and this is one thing that I am so poor at. I guess I have to change a lot of things. 4. This is my old time favorite: I’M MY WORST FOE. Yes, I know I am capable of doing a lot of things… excelling in whatever aspect there is (yabang!) but I often fear failure. This is silly, I mean I am all that (yabang again!) and I know that I’m good and fear’s just blocking my way to success. Ever since I can think for myself, I have not been confident. I often need reassurance. I need security – too much security that is. Maybe because underneath all that I am capable of doing, I am too insecure to face the fact that I am dead single. I have not been single for a while. Well, being single doesn’t hurt after all. 5. ….being single doesn’t hurt but I got to face the fact that I just miss having a constant companion especially since it is very hard to trust the very people that are around you. I am not very skeptic and I don’t usually think this way but now I realized that this is the reality. I know that I am still hurting and I can say that I love myself more than ever. It’s not being selfish but I’ve been foolishly selfish for the longest time. Anyway, the bottom line is that I am new to this being “single” lifestyle because finally I get to think of myself and not what will make other people happy. I don’t know why I have to put this entry on my blog and not in my notebook. Probably because I want the readers to pick up something useful from it. The movie is just … empowering. It’s nothing grand but it has this overwhelming effect on me. Because of a lot of disappointments, I had actually let go of the thought that I’ll be meeting my prince or that I can make my dreams come true but … I am not absolutely going to die if I keep on dreaming right? Thus it just makes all the impossible… happen. Good luck to me!
Tuesday, October 18, 2005 It's really hard to speak your mind. Today I find it quite hard to confide my comcerns that are well.. drowning me. It all started when I recieved a not so good reply from someone. I don't want to take it against her. But I was hurt. I just thought that sometimes, the people who promised to be there... will not be there - BE THERE (I'm talking weird). They too get tired of listening to my woes and whatever silly stuff that I just have to share. ...Sometimes you'll think that they understand... when in fact they don't. It's sort of an illusion. And the most disappointing thing is... at the end of the day... you'll just end up doubting their real motive as to why they want to exist in your life. goshness.  ...so I decided to paint whatever it is that's bugging me. At least they won't be able to judge how I percieve "it". My painting's not really grand but it's a part of my "insanity".
Sunday, October 16, 2005 "... I guess acceptance is the key. you gotta embrace the fact that you're feeling that way. I honestly think that it's a gift. tis hard to love someone when that someone doesn't even have the slightest idea of how you feel.let's face it, not everyone can handle that kind of scenario...not even me. like what ****** said, savor each "loving" and "kilig" moment. soon I know all will be fine. things change... and so do our emotions. seize the day. you've got so much going on for you... you're one smart gal with a big heart, use it..."...why is it so easy to give heart mending advices and so hard to apply it in your own life? is acceptance a sign of life or a step over the edge of death? life is a journey... full of surprises, happiness and even DISAPPOINTMENTS. ...just when she thought she's mending, another heart wrecking reality has to come. worse, it was once a fantasy that helped heal her scarred heart. She had given up once. til now, the whole world's waiting for her to stumble again. though reality still cuts, her journey must go on... and it's because of you. you've given her the reason to move on. you endlessly enlightened her dark and crowded mind. your indomitable spirit influenced her in every way you can imagine. your smile lifted her up.this is long and cheezy... but all she wants to say is... thank you. i love you peep!
Saturday, October 15, 2005 ...delusions are all over. ...It's funny. HA! .. I don't actually know what to write but I am in a freaking state of shock! ...well, not really. I am somewhat crushed. He is already taken! ...so much for my delusions and my over the edge kilig moments. ...I've had enough. ...I'm happy that I've been inspired for a while... ...inspiration's over. ...got to wake up. ...anyway, sembreak's here. ...great morning. i am shocked... she's not even pretty! hahah! bitter oh bitter morning. crazy. effects of zombie? not really. omg.. im talking nonsense.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Monday, October 10, 2005 ...I'm soooooooooo tired. Unfortunately, me and my par's not yet done with the expe paper. I've been waiting for her work so that I can proof read it ... then I'll print it... then BOOM - I'm going to bed! ... or maybe not... ...because for sure... I won't be able to wake up at 6 am sharp and I'll be soooo late for Counseling class again. ...no way. I feel like the prof's starting to hate me. ...Oh! Like I care... I'm really going to bed!
Saturday, October 08, 2005 “I can’t live, if living is without you…la la la”. I don’t know why when I heard this song the word ACCEPTANCE suddenly entered my mind. …Maybe it’s because I am on the verge of accepting facts or choosing to do something about some “happenings”. Acceptance – is it a sign of death or of a new beginning? I remember a friend telling me that when I can’t do anything about a certain situation, all that’s left to do is to accept what’s happening. I kind of disagree with her point because I’ve always believed that we all have the power to change and direct things the way that we want it to be. Now, I don’t really know what to believe in. I viewed acceptance as a sign of hopelessness – not being able to do anything about a situation… not being in control and giving up with what life caters me. When one learns to accept things, it’s like… death. …It’s like a sign that tells you to stop with whatever. We don’t have to stop. There is always hope (well, that was my belief! Golly geeze!) We’re all powerful and yes, we are in charge of what’s happening to us. Our decisions … actions… lead us to consequences. Why do we have to wait and accept things when we can do something about it? …But then… What if acceptance is just a process of rebirth? What if acceptance is a sign of life? Mmm… It’s like… you have to do nothing about a situation except to swallow it… feel it… be trapped in it until the situation tires itself and decides to leave. …What if acceptance is the only way out? What if acceptance is the key to sanity? * I honestly don’t know what to believe in. I don’t know if I should accept the things that are happening to me or if I have to play with it. It’s so hard to be in control. Sometimes, I just want to escape from all these mixed emotions. It’s actually an everyday struggle. It’s like an unfinished business that kept on hunting me though I know that it’s really finished. WTF am I saying?! Golly. I am still trapped with yesterday and I am struggling with today because whenever yesterday eats me up, I get frustrated… I get scared to face the memories that tomorrow will bring.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005 I don’t get why whenever I’m stressed, that is when depression really strikes me straight to the target. It’s just sad that despite everyone’s assurance that everything will be fine, I still feel that something’s not right. …I know someone who can really make me calm down. It’s her birthday tomorrow. Unfortunately, even if I want to greet her… hug her and celebrate tomorrow with her… I just can’t. It will hurt even more and I don’t she cares about me anymore. I can’t wait till all of these are over. I want to get away.
Mom I love you I know I can be bitchy at times. I'm really moody especially when school and my personal issues are getting on the way... I know these are not "excusable" excuses but ... I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I know you won't be able to read this (or even my whole blog) but this is how I really feel. I love you Ma. Ever since I was a kid, I've always known that we are really different from each other and it took me years before I finally got to respect these differences. You're not affectionate and you are really stiff and stern at times and I know I am too. Thank you for helping me with my projects back in my gradeschool days... I thank you for helping me now ...for boiling the beets... telling me to stop crying... influencing me with your "O.C." tendencies...and all that... Thank you. I just want you to know that I appreciate you. Sorry for being grumpy. -hugz- CLeo
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