Reality Check!
Sunday, April 25, 2010 Answered Prayer For the past months, I have been thinking that working in the hotel was such a waste of time. I wasn't pursuing what I loved doing all because of paperworks, interviews and endless ironic dicussions with some department heads. I hated it. I hated every moment I'd look at my computer and check on the hiring status of the new hotel. It sucks having to sit in front of pc or having to ask both intellectual and behavioral questions to strangers I am not even a wee bit interested in. I would often ask myself why the heck am I staying there and it all boils down to this answer: I just want to help. I want to have a positive effect on people. Being in HR sucks. There's almost no room for mistake but it feels good whenever I get to add value to the people I work with. I know I can still be an instrument of God even if I switch careers but something keeps holding me back. I know I'll be leaving these good people soon. I'm already taking concrete actions to pursue my passion. I've deprived myself of it and now I want to make up for the years I've tried to bury what truly defines me. anyway.. sharing a message from a friend. Friend April 25 at 7:11pm .......today i know what gratefull feels, went to church not to hear mass but to talk to Him again after a very long time as if He was just right beside me, asked Him if He can forgive for all that i have done wrong lately, then its kinda spontaneous i thanked Him, the thought just suddenly came off my mind, this is probablly the doing of the person i was talkin about last night these person might have been prayin also to open my mind and my heart, i instantlly thanked Him for letting me cross paths with this person then i asked Him one more thing before i left, can i have this person as my friend forever, He probablly tapped my back and whispered something which sounded " you will". as i walked out of church this old lady approached me and offered me to buy some roses, i was surprised coz she was only selling white roses, then it occured to me that i gave this person white roses as a peace offering, was that a sign, did He answered my prayers immediately, maybe he did, turned my head towards the church and smilled, and in my mind i said what a way to show your answer, then in my mind i thanked this person and said "wow you do really have something that makes me laugh or smile" now to face these challenges ahead made me ready for it.......maybe a whole chapter just for you, thank you! 
Don't Leave God, thank you for not leaving me when I was down in the dumps. I was once like him. I once hated you and blamed you for everything. I know I can't be considered as one of your best daughters but I'm grateful that you've guided and is still guiding me through this journey. I still have no idea as to where I am heading but I know that I am destined to be somewhere far better than where I am now. I trust your judgement and I have faith in your plans. I will continue to be of service to your other sons and daughters even until I have reached my ultimate destination. I am scared and I know that you are aware of that. Just be by my side. Don't let me down. Not right now. Despite of the 5 years that you've added to my life, I am still mending. Don't leave me God. Not now. Not tomorrow nor the days to come.
Saturday, April 24, 2010 FRIEND April 25 at 2:20am sorry bout the cat thing, just being honest thats all and besides just like what i've said your the only person who understands me these days. well you know your right, that God must have a really good reason why i'm here and why you are too, your deppresed somewhat and i'm disgusted somewhat so maybe God led me to you to let me understand something which untill now i still cant see, maybe if i open up a little bit? coz you said i have already closed my mind, right? but you seem to see right through me which sometimes scares me, you got something whcih i dont know what, but you seem find a way through my thick skull and my stoned out heart to be melow or understand whats happening, you have a way to make me laugh or smile sometimes regardless on how i feel, maybe because i'm depprived of a good conversation with someone who is .."its 3 am and i'm still wide awake, its evil time and thats probablly why, my mind is so full of ideas, plans, dreams and thoughts, but when morning comes it all disappears, God really works mysteriously, maybe someday i get to undertstand Him again, looking forward to it though, wtih a little bit of help with people who knows me, but for now thay are rare breed, coz probablly they just dont like to know why, but then again there are some who tends to listen patiently, maybe i found that person, i do hope that person will be patient with me this time coz i hate loosing them, the only person i know who knew me well enough to understand me had to go to another place which made me really sad, but then again as the saying goes " if God closes a door He opens a window" a small window, a small person with a big heart, have i found this person or has this person found me. a little bit of crayziness and once also conffused, but it dosent matter as long as this person can understand me and see right through me, has a way in making me laugh or smile despite what ever maddness is in my mind, makes me reallize that The Lord is just testing me and my faith, scarry at times but really just loves to laugh. if i ever met you i promise there will be a place in my heart for you. but then again, its just wishfull thinking"......o ayan na isulat na kita sa book ko or anong tawag dyan writtings. save mo para pag tumanda ka e maalala mo pa ako, almost sunlight, balik na ako sa lunga ko hehehehee thank God for you mam, may blessings pa din pala ako natatangap despite of everything, see ya!
Sunday, April 04, 2010 One of the most helpful messages that my sis sent me.. Hi Sis! I would love to dance with you. :) I am opening a class in June and venue na lang ang hinahanap ko. I'll let you know once its open. :) Hehe, alam mo college palang tayo, you were already too hard on yourself. Ako nga, naniniwala ako sa kakayahan mo eh. Lalo na yung pag dedesign mo. Nakikita na nga ang talent mo with the way you dress eh. Kaya pinagdarasal ko palagi na ituloy mo din yun. Nag enroll ka na ba for courses dun? Naku, totoo yang sinabi mo. You are someone who is really fond of reflecting. I think naman na its a healthy exercise, as long as wag kang padadala sa malulungkot na thoughts pag yun na ang naiisip mo. Basta sis, wag ka mag doubt sa kaya mong gawin at sa gusto mong gawin. You are destined to succeed. :) Andito lang kami lagi to support you. :) In my experience, belly dancing helped me to feel free and in control of myself. Chaka it is really such a stress reliever for me. Thats why I have grown to be passionate about this. I honestly believe that this could help you also with your stress or whatever things you are thinking of right now. :) Excited na ko dance with you. :) The following months will be full of activities (hopefully). I'm aiming for activities that will help me free myself from everyone's expectations. No.. It doesn't involve drinking and partying. It's more of challenging myself - do things that I have always wanted to do when I was younger. I just need to explore another side of me.
Friday, April 02, 2010  is nowhere to be found. It's blocked with big thorn-like defenses and I'm already exhausted of trying to find my way to get in touch with what I want.There are days when the path seems to lighten up but most days are just the same. Every day is a battle with myself. Mr. Melancholy is eating me up alive. What should I do? God, lead me to where my heart is. I only have two feet - I can only do so much. I know I lack effort on my end. I procrastinate and I fear a lot. I get lost almost every time. But I want to be there badly.
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