Tuesday, September 28, 2010 3hoursmile Tonight I realized that I can fake a smile for almost 3 hours. It's a record-breaking-fake-smiling night. It was a triumphant night. I was able to pass on my smile to someone who needed to receive one. I stepped into my cab and as the door closed, I gave a sigh. I can finally frown and contemplate on what I feel inside. I love myself and I treasure every bit of me but sometimes I wish I can be someone else. Maybe I can make someone happier if I am someone else. But I can only be... this much. I am reality. She is the past. The past weighs more than the reality. I should know. I studied psychology. Stupid girl. Wake up. 
I'm still Breathing -crosses fingers-
Monday, September 27, 2010  "A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbol means nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his. It was really quite simple, and yet we humans, so much wiser and more sophisticated, have always had trouble figuring out what really counts and what does not. As I wrote that farewell column to Marley, I realized it was all right there in front of us, if only we opened our eyes. Sometimes it took a dog with bad breath, worse manners, and pure intentions to help us see."- john grogan He's not the cutest dog in the world. In fact he looks untidy most of the time. He growls in the morning and is tad too sweet at night. After 5 years of love-hate relationship, I still love my babe. Love Love LOVE. Pettie is Love. :)
Sunday, September 26, 2010  I was never a cheerleader in school. Well.. I danced a few dances. hehehe.. One of the things I like about studying in AC is that we are so near Glorietta and Greenbelt. "ISANG KEMBOT LANG". Missed food choices and strolling around the mall between 10am to 2pm. Long break. Me being a geek. What's new? Even until now, my sister would tag me as a social outcast. Most of the time I find it... FUN. :)
Saturday, September 25, 2010 I had to deal with another Gina Moment a few days ago. The few minutes were just plain awful. It made me feel INCOMPETENT. It made me feel USED. It made me feel like I'm a mere walking piece grabbed to fill in an empty spot. I was sad, angered, shattered, disillusioned. A week ago, he was saying things like he'd see me after 10 years. Then after a few days he suddenly blurted out that if Gina would show up right at that moment and Gina wants him back, he'd forget about all his issues and would choose to be with her. He said he even wrote it in his book. FUCK. Was surprised to hear it from him especially since a few minutes before he mentioned that, he was so concerned about the "restraining order". If I am selfish, I would've asked him to f*ck the R.O. and just move on. Relationships are supposed to make you happy and secured. If you think you've done everything to save a relationship, then honey.. you gotta love yourself more and find someone who can give you the kind of love that you deserve. Break it off. Maybe it's easy for me to say these crap because I'm out of the picture BUT I swore to myself that I'll never sacrifice my happiness for someone who doesn't truly love me. I believe in GOOD friendship as it is the foundation of a strong married life. And right now, I feel like this friendship is on the rocks. He exerts effort to make up for the shit. I appreciate it. Thank God I studied Psychology because now I understand what's happening. In the few days that I've been hurting, I've learned to freeze this confusing emotion and just be a FRIEND.. like what I've always been. I can't help but feel that I am a friend who probably has some similarities with Gina. I am a friend whom he can count on because he and J are not in good terms. I am a friend. Now if you ask me, am I having a Bad Day??? No, not anymore. I've already known, accepted and defined my role in his life.
Monday, September 20, 2010 These words are stuck like glue in my head. I finally opened up to my best friend. It was good that I was able to draw a conclusion before sharing my thoughts to someone. At least I know that I chose that option because it was based on what I feel and not because of how others think/feel about it. 5 years ago, my bestfriend was one of the kind girls that pulled me out of depression. They are one of the many good reasons why I try to think a thousand times before diving into trouble. Sayang kasi their effort if I'll go crazy again. 5 years ago, I can hardly walk in Glorietta alone or even look at the stores because every memory of my ex was just there. They weren't just walking with me. They were guiding as I walk through the mall. Why? Because I had my head bowed down. It was that bad and I didn't mind looking like an idiot as long as I don't feel the pain. It was that bad but I learned to value myself. I learned it from my friends. I learned it from my best friend. Tonight, I told her about the situation that I am into. How I feel about it. As I'm telling her what has been happening, I came to understand my feelings more. Telling her the story felt like a risk. Not because she can't be trusted but because I know that she can read me like a book. She can analyze through my words and I am scared to be judged. I like him. I like that I can be myself when I'm with him. I like what we have now -- I like our friendship. I value his presence and I appreciate the fact that he values our friendship too. I guess it's good that we have 10 years ahead of us. It's a long time to think. I'm young and I know I'm going to meet plenty of interesting people. He's old and he has his priorities too. I think he needs to fix them first. If I'm going to read him-- psychologically.. I think there's something wrong. He is kind but I know that he is stubborn. He is empty which is why he brags a lot. He tends to dwell on the past. There is something wrong and I can't point it out and I hope he fixes it. It would make me very happy he gets to fix his life. Sana after 10 years, he'll be the best person that he can ever be. Tonight I can only wish him a good life. I pray that God will lead him to the right direction. That he may not hurt his loved ones with the decisions that he's going to make and that his loved ones will not be hurting him as well. Now I sound like I'm such a good friend. Siguro minsan ka lang talaga makakita ng super good friend. SObrang good friend pwede mo nang maging soulmate. Kaso sabi ng classmate ko from highschool, ang soulmates hindi nagkakatuluyan. Siguro nga. We'll see after 10 years. After 10 years, I might be married. I might be dead. This blog site might not be working. I don't like looking back and reminiscing about the past. I'm not so keen on that. My memory is not retentive enough (that's why I like writing). I hope I'd still be able to remember him. I want to remember this-- This night when I chose to do the right thing. This night when I chose to love and value myself more. This night when I would want to be a top priority. I guess, I have grown. I never thought growing up can be so sorrowful. Emo. :/
Saturday, September 18, 2010 One of my favorites: Nic
Stupid Lovelife Again, MOVE FORWARD. DON'T DIP YOURSELF INTO SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY NOR FULFILLED.
Programmed. cheeks: of course i will. you'll love me 4x if i do. noby: by the way, she can't cook. she can't do the laundry - she can clean the house tho you have to make sure that her nebules are around. she doesn't like waiting and can be very demanding and inconsiderate when it comes to attention and time. She's a jealous bitch but opts not to show it. she loves surprises and doesn't like stinginess. She can't wake up early. She tends to be too friendly at times. She likes being alone except when she's sick. She likes kimchi with rice. She doesn't like broken promises. She spends big time when she's down. Once she starts crying, no one can make her stop. She's a handful who doesn't know much about the world. If you want to be a slave someday, you can have her. If not, then just go. It's as easy as that. cheeks: Noted, accepted, understood. How do you know if he is the one? I asked GOD for a sign. A year ago I told him that whoever asks me to be his wife (not his girlfriend) is THE one. To be honest, I never really want to undergo the famous "boyfriend-girlfriend" stage. I want things to be direct and simple. FIANCE and FIANCEE. I never needed a boyfriend but I've always wanted to have a husband -- or simply someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with. I know it's weird to hear this especially from someone who loves her freedom so much but I guess when you're already infront of that person, you wouldn't even think about the possible challenges that the two of you will face. Maybe love is programmed. Maybe it can be compared to a canned good which has an expiration date. We get married- we try to work it out - we get tired - we hurt each other - we look for other people to love. I'm not asking GOD for a romantic marriage but I want one that is based in the best friendship possible. Marriage will always be a tough job. It is a tiring process where one has to be selfless and open-minded. It also consists of loyalty-- something that right now.. I don't know if anyone has it. Not even me. I think marriage is a tiring aspect of one's life. Marriage. Is it for me? I hope so.I believe so even if majority thinks that I loathe it.
Friday, September 17, 2010 Every story told, every jokes I laughed at, every cans of coke that was opened is equivalent to a sad memory that I will be lugging around a few months from now. ..These memories that I'm not so sure if I'll still be here to recall a good 10 years from tonight. Do you think I'd still be the same after 10 years? No. Do you think the situation is going to be the same after 10 years? Maybe. Maybe not. Tonight, I want things to be better.. not after tomorrow nor after 10 years. I want it to be better tonight. Damn it.
Friday, September 10, 2010 Have you ever tried something that you know leads to a dead end? I guess it’s the same feeling as driving for hours without knowing your destination. In those instances, what do you opt to do? Drive until you get tired of it? Do you go home or do you choose a new destination? Sometimes I can’t help but feel that there are no choices. It is what makes it difficult. It is a feeling of entrapment and a wave of stupid defenses. I find it ironic because I’ve been toying with freedom for quite some time. However, I can’t get a good feel of it lately. I feel like I’m driving towards nothing and no matter how much I remind myself that I am heading a dead end I am still moving in the same direction. I am writing this now because I am angry. I need to wake up and snap out of it before I hit the end of the road. I am driving so fast I am in deep fear but I am enjoying the ride – enjoying it too much to the point of almost being bumped off the road. Swift and dangerous but I would consider this as one of the best rides I’ve ever. It is fast with a lot of twists and turns that never fail to amuse me. I love it. It is a rush of different things and hard as it is to decide but I just have to stop myself from driving. I feel that there are no choices but I guess my head perfectly knows that there are plenty of them – some just don’t seem appealing to me. Hello REALITY. I wish I can stay this way for quite a long time. If only I can keep driving to a dead end for the rest of my life but a dead end is plain death of a journey. I can only drive so much. I am a mere driver, constructing roads or putting up a destination is already out of my hands. I can only do so much. I can only react so much. I can only stay silent at a certain time. I guess what I’m trying to say is I am about to head the opposite direction and settle for a path that would take me to endless bliss (if that ever exists). Funny how strong willed I sound in this musing when I know I’ll be loathing every hour that I will be off the road. Maybe this is how it should be. This fate is not solely grounded by the driver but also the one constructing the path. I can only drive for a certain time. I can only wait for a certain time and now I just want to stop waiting. We all are drivers aiming for a destination – it may be a good career, a happy marriage or just living a good life. It takes a lot of curiosity and guts to head an unknown road or a busy highway. Who knows if you’re taking the good road? Who knows if you’ll get stuck in a
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