Reality Check!


Saturday, December 26, 2009

HELP HELP HELP!

HELP!
How do you tire yourself from missing someone?
HATE IT.
I am sooo not tired of missing him that I am sooo not tired of doing my work at home.
THIS IS SICK.
It's just infatuation right? Bleh. >P

Posted by Thinker :: 8:03 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Santa Claus


Dear Santa Claus,
It might already be too late as Christmas day is already gone but I want to write this short message. First of, I'm so blessed to be surrounded by a few good people. I may have been disappointed because of particular ol' friends but because of such experience, I was able to discover the other set of good friends that I have always had. They might also disappoint me in the future but I'm glad that I am able to know their good side. Second, you know that I have failed in attaining my objectives for this year but I want you to know that I'm very blessed to be able to work with patient and gentle directors right now. I know I am part of a top organization but hopefully after a year or two, I'll be managing one. Third, many thanks for letting me be a part of a very lenient family who in their own ways tried to comfort me in my periods of anxiety and silence.
I just want to thank you right now. I'm trying not to ask for anything. You must be tired of trying to grant everyone's Christmas wishes. Even the jolliest person gets tired too, right? Things are not ok for me right now and I'm guessing that you know why. But I will be fine. It will be fine. Soon but not now. Bleh.
Anyway dear Santa, I will have to stop this. Just like you, I also have tons of work to do. Need to work to keep me sane and sober. Need to extend my hours of work to keep me from thinking about certain matters until the wee hours of the morning. Stuff.
Til Christmas 2010,
Caeyo

Posted by Thinker :: 4:34 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Friday, December 25, 2009

Can you? Can you not?



It was a big disappointment when I saw him excused his self and left the table after I finished a phone call. It was stupid because me and my friend pretended that the call came from a special person. Duh. It came from a special person - it was my dad who called. We playfully giggled with each other while we waited for his reaction. And... there... after less than 5 minutes of non stop giggling, he excused his self and decided to leave early.

I've been ignoring him for the past days. Successfully ignoring him for 1 week already. Congratulate me please. It's tough not to look at him. It's even hard not to smell him. Yes yes yes... I can even smell his perfume in our elevators. Sucks big time. It leaves me missing him. But then again, I have no choice left but to stand for myself since he can't really stand up for me.

I have fully confirmed that I really have AN effect on him. Maybe he just lied that night. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't get the part where he chooses to reject me whenever I approach him and yet he tries his best to grab my attention everytime I diss him.

To be on the safe side, I'll just leave it to this: He likes the attention that he gets from me but he doesn't like me. And since this is the case, I'd rather be nothing to him. No smiles from me. No eye contact. No hi's and goodbye's. No nothing. It's all or nothing and with the way things are... I think he has long chosen NOTHING. So be it.

It's a tough decision since I'm a softy. I value relationships but I can't hold on to crap like this. I need to be valued once and for all. I might be down once in a while.. might be missing him whenever.. but laying my heart on the line all over again will never change the situation. I've done my part and now it's his turn. It's his turn to jump and take a risk.

Question is, is he man enough to take that risk?


Posted by Thinker :: 1:57 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Withdrawal Night

Girl: I don't actually believe that love exists.
Boy: Love does exist.
Girl: Really now?
Boy: Hahaha, let me the one to show you that love does exist.




Boy..Oh Boy. Where is the love that you talked about? You talked about it and now I'm addicted to it. It's a hell of a withdrawal night. It's already 11:23PM and I have to be up by 4AM. I keep on re-reading old messages from last month's rendezvous as if it's going to make things real. Caeyo.. wake up! These messages are made because of the influence of alcohol. The care is not there. The warmth is not there. The connection is not there. Nothing's there except one drunken night followed by non sober days. Caeyo.. stop it! Stop thinking about him -he might even be sleeping and dreaming about someone else at this hour.
Caeyo, you poor girl. Why do you have to do this to yourself? You are worth more than a toddler. Don't waste it. Don't waste your energy on someone like him. Don't. Just STOP thinking about him. Think about the better days to come. Think about your work. Think about all the things you wanted to do. The world is yours remember?
Caeyo. Caeyo. Caeyo. I know you'll get through it. You'll be ok soon. Just hold on. Don't feel bad about yourself. Don't let this situation deflate your self-esteem. Don't let this break you. You have experienced the worst. This is not the worst. Remember when you used to cry yourself to sleep because of an old heartbreak? You got through it right? You have your friends. You have your family. You have God. You have yourself. Do take care of yourself. Don't mind him. Focus your attention on the goodness of tomorrow.
I don't know if I should tell you to hold on or just let him go. I am confused too. But one thing is for sure, you have to hold your ground and realign with your old positive self. It's not yet the end of the world caeyo. It's just one those withdrawal nights.

Posted by Thinker :: 7:12 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Already Gone





Finally about to fill your cup of egocentricity.


Posted by Thinker :: 8:43 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Friday, December 18, 2009

Flyering Rejections



Spent my Friday at Eastwood handling out flyers for our job vacancies. Got to admit it didn't feel good doing the job.

It was an experience. I'll never forget of being continuously rejected by these strangers. I was walking around with a bunch of flyers in my hands when I suddenly thought that "Hey .. this is what has been happening to me lately." Handing out flyers is like handing out a piece of yourself to someone. Some were interested while others were not. It even came to a point when the fliers were rejected 5 consecutive times. What to say.. mm.. It really takes courage to handout a piece of yourself to a person. Not everyone will take the risk of stepping forward to show another what she can offer. A colleague openly told me that she doesn't want to do the flyering because she hates being rejected. Well, who likes being rejected anyway? :) The important thing is you've tried.

I tried. I tried my best to finish the flyers. I tried my best to offer the best of me to someone who wouldn't even dare to extend his arms to check out the other side of me.

What's good about being continuously rejected is that you get used to it. The first rejction was more of a shock. The second rejection makes one realize the strategy being used to the subject. The third rejection can make one feel bad about his self. The fourth can make one feel desperate - can make one leave and give up. The fifth is the crucial one - it's when one already feels NUMB from the rejections.

I guess when a person gets numb from a series of rejections, it makes one to stay still and hybernate.

I am hybernating from the rest of the world today. I just don't understand why everytime I choose to hybernate, the heavens would send me a message that I've to hold on and nurture these feeling (a mix of sadness, love, confusion and disappointment). You see, I attended the 4AM mass. The homily was about miracles and faith. Weird. I planned on moving forward after this hybernation and now I'm getting a message about having a strong belief that nothing is impossible.

Am I just being impatient because of the series of rejections I got from him for the past days? Or is there really hope for the flowers?

Hay. Cheers to hybernation. Bleh!


Posted by Thinker :: 9:46 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Mannequin

Hard to deal with a mannequin. I'm 80% sick and tired of it. Happy birthday mannequin.
Mannequin - Katy Perry
How do I get closer to you
When you keep it all on mute
How will I know
The right way to love you
Usually the queen at figuring out
Breaking down a man is no work out
But I have no clue to get through to you.
I wanna hit you just to see if you cry
I keep knocking on wood
Hoping there's a real boy inside.
Cause you're not a man
You're just a mannequin
I wish you could feel
That my love is real
But you're not a man
I wish I could just turn you on
Put a battery in and make you talk
Even pull a string to say anything
But with you there is no guarantee
Only expired warranty
A bunch of broken parts
and I can't seem to find you're heart
I'm such a fool
I'm such a fool
I'm such a fool
This one's out of my hands
I can't put you back together again
Cause you're not a man
You're just a mannequin
I wish you could feel
That my love is real
But you're not a man
You're just a .. toy
Could you ever be a real, real boy
and understand
But you're not a man
Oh understand
That you're not a man..

Posted by Thinker :: 5:55 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Monday, December 14, 2009

Takemoto Says.

" A day when everything is perfect, when everything will turn into memories, will eventually come. But I'll probably remember over and over again - you were there and everyone else was there. The day we all searched for just one thing." - Takemoto
A month in the making. I hope it will go away. He may be searching for one thing. But that one thing is not caeyo. NO.
Guess who is sad tonight? Tomorrow might be worse. The 17th might even be the worst. I can't see any progress - not even 1% of it. But then something tells me to grab on to dear HOPE.
I am hoping not to get what I LOVE.
I am hoping for something simpler.
I am hoping that time will fly fast.
I am hoping to wake up one day - free from my new addiction.
I hope to be healed from him - soon.

Posted by Thinker :: 9:07 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Bite the Bullet

Sometimes the things we want are only a means to an end - the end being an emotion. It takes courage to free one's self from such strong means. However, it takes greater valor to bite the bullet in the expense of one's pride.
...Poor tiger.

Posted by Thinker :: 9:12 PM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Stupid BOX.

It's amazing how a simple box can make you realize a thousand crappy things. Wish I didn't ask him to fix this crazy box of resumes weeksss ago. It only made me realize that I needed someone to do things for me - I needed support and all the stupid things that went along with it. All this time I thought that I'll always be THE supergirl. Just when you think you've had your guards up, that's when it'll absolutely hit you HARD.



Congratulate me. I am a STRAIGHT woman. However, I am not liking the effects of it. Wish I could donate my heart to Mr. TinMan. I'll gladly take his place. It's an eternal bliss - being a robot and merely focusing on the daily tasks. It's hard being human.

Posted by Thinker :: 8:01 AM :: 1 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Curse/Gift?

(photo by: Ian Ruhter)
It's easy to assess someone by the way they look, talk, move, or even work. But what's being missed out in most cases is the fact that every person has a well kept story, reason and emotion -- desolately dying to be seen.



It's a curse and a gift to bleakly perceive the goodness of what's concealed.




Posted by Thinker :: 7:28 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------