Reality Check!
Saturday, July 30, 2005 oh yes... Such an insensitive girl. Clearly, the person you are referring to is not a bit interested in you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. Otherwise, it would seem as if you're forcing yourself to be liked/loved by that person. True love doesn't need a push, it just happens. Everything should fall right into place. But if it doesn't then it probably isn't meant to be. Love should be unsolicited. You don't ask for it or work hard to achieve it. --Posted by Anonymous to Reality Check! at 7/26/2005 05:56:11 PM - Yes, very insensitive indeed. Thank you. I've detached myself these past weeks from that stranger because I want to evaluate what I feel.... I broke up with someone that I really love and I didn't give myself a chance to CRY over her. It's probably why I was so devastated when this stranger came around and let me feel that she'll always be there. I got confused between her act of caring and my illusion that there's probably a potential that...uh... we could be one(?). That glass of illusion is now broken, deary. That stranger deserves someone else... and I know that someone else is not me.. It will never be me. Like what you've said, it isn't meant to be. I was just under "cathexis" or something when I thought that I love her. You know, Despite of our differences... she's still beautiful in my eyes... I still love her... but only as a friend. The issue is now clear. All's clear now except for a few things about my x. The situation is complicated. I've learned that "Holding on" is easy though it requires a lot of work. You fight for whatever reason that you have just to keep the person."Letting go" is harder. You let go because you know that that person is not worth your love/tears/whatever. You let go because you start to think about yourself. "Holding on without asking anything in return" is the hardest. This is the hardest and most painful (well, at least for me). I am stubborn and persistent and I'll always be. I am holding on to a love and I am not asking for my x to reciprocate that. I realized that I love my x so much. She's not as great as the other people I have met but whenever we're togther...you know... that "moment"...has always been perfect (ok.. close to being perfect). I'm not saying this because I obviously love her but... our time together has always been the best. Even though it's all over between us... I still have the right to love her. I'll be excercising that no matter what people may say. I am whole now (almost...The glass will be full in just a few more weeks maybe). I don't really need her just to fill that empty spot in me. I am loving her right now because that is the decision I made - my final decision. A decision that I've decided to grab knowing that I will be hurt along the process of loving her. I don't see it as a loss. Though I am quite struggling, I see it as something that'll bring out the best in me. Why? Because I know that I won't stop learning. I won't ever try to face life. I will be great. This is love. 
Sunday, July 24, 2005 I have decided that I want to take a break from all these. I don't want to be frustrated anymore. Even if I have been trying to help myself get over a lot of issues, I still find myself in the middle of it. I'll be taking a vacation ...rehabilitate myself. I'm an addict... a love addict. I have so much love to give and I honestly feel that no one wants it. Probably because I have not proven myself to them or I don't know... maybe I don't really have to prove anything. Maybe I have been proving myself to the wrong people. I don't really know right now but I'm quite sure I'll find the answer after some time. *cguro, paglabas ko sa rehab, magaling nako... pero pwede paring maging addicted ako... pero sa iba na, hindi na sayo... -inspired by a friend's poem... ADIK
Saturday, July 23, 2005 what I love and want to love I love it when you smile at me I love it when you firt with me I love it when you look at me with those eyes I love it when you give me things I love how you are keeping me liking you I'd love it if you kissed me I'd love it if we were together I'd love it if I didn't have to say Dayne and I, and just said Us or We I'd love it you said 'I love you' back, but I guess I'm not going to get that so, BYE Forever -Kayla King
Friday, July 22, 2005 * In a matter of 24 hours, anything can change * In anything in you life always consider 'it' as something that will put you up * Don't let it overpower. These are just the things that you to undergo for you to be strong * She will come to think of you when she cannot reach you anymore, be exci8ted about that (chiq) because after this, it's all over
Monday, July 18, 2005 "there are many fishes in the sea but there is none for me.. " " dont limit yourself in the sea.. there are fresh water fishes in the lakes and ponds.. why stop at the sea when the world is 70% made of water.." - from a friend... (easy for everyone to say.. hard for anyone to do). "...I've always been in love with you. Anyone can tell that. Do you know that I feel that I am losing you every God given day? Every girl must have loved you a lot but not all of them will spend time of trying to find a stranger whom they have learned to love without even actually feeling his touch. I have loved you so soon. Between us, I am the one who loves you (more) and I know I can be the person who can love you the most. Right now, I am losing it. Someday, you will lose it because you never opened your eyes to see behind what's tangible. I guess what I'm trying to say is... someday I will never be able to love you the way that I am loving you right now... someday, no one will ever love you the way that I did." - if only you can feel...
Friday, July 15, 2005 And hirap pala na mangarap ng isang bagay na alam mong hindi talaga mapapasa iyo kahit na ano pang gawin mo. Akala mo dati lahat ng bagay na pinapaghirapan nakakamtan. Sabi nila maraming bagay sa mundo ang imposibleng abutin basta ikaw ay nangangarap at gumagawa ng aksyon upang makuha mo ang ninanais mo. Alam mong hindi ka madaling sumuko sa mga pagsubok. Matigas ka at mapursige. Oo nga sabi nila, malutong kang magmura pag nawawalan ka ng pasensya, magaling magreklamo at iyakin pa… pero alam mo sa sarili mo na hanggang ganoon lang iyon kasi may tiwala ka naman na kaya mong makuha kahit na ano pa yan basta ginusto mo. Dati iyon. Pero paano kung ngayon, gusto mo ng mawalan ng pag-asa? Ang hirap talaga magmahal lalo na pag alam mong hanggang kaibigan nalang talaga kayo. Mahirap kasi magmahal ng taong hindi pa kayang buksan ang puso at subukang magmahal muli. Mahirap malaman na hindi pa niya kayang magmahal. Kaya eto naman ikaw, pinipilit ipakita sa kanya ang ligaya na naidudulot ng pagmamahal mo. Malay mo nga naman kung baka gumising nalang siya isang araw at maramdaman niya bigla ang lahat ng ito? Mahirap ding malaman na maraming naghihintay sa pag galling ng mga sugat ng kanyang puso. Yun bang, hindi lang pala ikaw ang gumagawa ng mga ginagawa mo, isang batalyon pa pala kayo?! Kapag alam mong may kasama/kinakausap/iniisip siyang iba, mahirap ngumiti sa harap niya at magpanggap na wala lang ang lahat ng nararamdaman mo dahil ayaw mo siyang mabahala. Sino ka lang ba naman d ba? Mahirap ipaliwanag kung paano mo parin naiintindihan at tinatanggap ang kanyang sitwasyon kahit na alam mo namang lubos ka ng nasasaktan at wala rin itong patutunguhan… na kahit ano pang sabihin niya, wala kang piniling gawin kung hindi tanggapin lang ito at intindihin. Bakit? Isa lang naman ang sagot mo diyan, dahil ganoon talaga magmahal. Mahirap umasa sa alam mong wala ka naman talagang maasahan pero pilit mo paring iginigiit sa sarili mo na walang imposible at may pag asa pa. Kahit naman kitang kita mo na ang mga panget posibleng mangyari, andiyan ka parin naghihintay dumating ang araw na sabihin niyang hindi nasayang ang iyong pag-asa. Mahirap pigilan ang pagiyak habang kausap mo siya. Minsan talaga dumarating ang pagkakataon na gusto mong sabihin kung gaano mo siya kamahal kahit hindi mo alam kung bakit sa lahat ng tao, siya pa ang pinili mong mahalin. Ang masaklap pa nito, kung masasabi mo man ang iyong nasasaloob, wala namang itong madudulot na pagbabago. Mahirap Makita ang iyong sarili na iniisip siya gabi gabi upang Makita mo siya sa iyong panaginip. Nakakatawa pero iniisip mo lang kasi na baka mapaginipan mo siya at baka sakaling maging kayo kahit na sa panaginip na lamang. Mahirap tumingin ng direcho sa kanyang mga mata sapagkat nakikita mong hindi iyon ang mga matang may laman ng pagibig. Nahihirapan ka tumingin sapagkat alam mong nahihirapan na rin siya… na sabihin sayong… tama na. Mahirap pag takpan ang katotohanan na sa lahat ng kahirapang dinaranas mo ngayon, sa huli, ikaw at ikaw lang ang masasaktan. Mahirap iwanan ang pagibig na ito kahit alam mong ikaw ang palaging talo. Karaniwan ay masmasarap pang magpatalo basta alam mong nagiging masaya siya sa iyo kahit papaano. Sa lahat ng mga mahihirap na ito, ayaw mo parin isuko ang laban. Patuloy kang nangangarap ng isang panaginip na sa kanya lamang nakasalalay ang susi para gawin itong katotohanan. Mahirap, masaklap, masakit. - 071305
Sunday, July 10, 2005 …You don’t want to be torn apart You don’t want to bleed again And be ripped into pieces. You have been beaten down… Ill- treated… …unappreciated. In their eyes you have been enthralled. With their lips you have been adrifted… And with their hands you have been crushed. Be still my heart… You are now falling apart… Dropping into the stillness of deep sorrow… Foolishly playing dumb in sheer misery. Deceived by the idea of being a messiah… When you… You are attempting to depart this life of games with hesitations and mendacity. Attempting to survive… Enduring every heartache… Hoping until tomorrow stops coming… You are waiting for a miracle… That will also end someday. Be still my heart… You have been longing right from the start… Of a love you never knew… What if it was never meant for you? It will never be dreamlike… Nor will it be idyllic. Snap back to reality! Will you ever learn to think of me? When my nights turn into days… And my sun hides behind the moon… When music doesn’t make its magic… And I’m overflowing with your emotions… When I have to curb it all in… But I want to light her darkest room… Even though I am fading within… And there’s no chance for me to begin. Be still my heart… I can feel you beating… And whispering all your cries… I cannot comprehend why you have to do this… I have counseled you endlessly And now there’s nothing left to say… But… Be still my heart.
Friday, July 08, 2005 I was so excited to open my email today! I emailed my aunt last night and I was just so sure that she'll be emailing back right away. We're quite close and she knows a lot about me (except my uh... lovelife! harhar!). She knows what I've been going through for the past weeks and I was just touched because she called me right away to ask how things are going. She's like my second mom. We're even closer than my real mom (but of course I love my mom more!). She's super cool! She'll be visiting us here on August with her whole family (They reside in Jersey). I'm soooooooo excited to see her! Her email: Hi Cleofel ! You’re a YOUNG SMART AND PRETTY Filipina girl !! I enjoyed looking at the pictures. The other girls are also good looking. It’s nice to have a lot of good friends. Seems you had a fun time with the them. Glad to hear that you’re happy and not getting stressed out from everyday life. You shouldn’t ..You’re young and should not worry too much. Life is too short, enjoy every minute of it. ENJOY BEING YOUNG just like *C and *E. I talked to my sister *G about you. She knows that I’m proud of YOU with all your accomplishments in schools. A smart, young girl who has Goals in life !!! Take Care and Stay Happy Love, Tita/Ninang L
Wednesday, July 06, 2005 Ok... I've got less than 3 weeks left before I see the results of an "investigatory" (whatever u call it) project. It's quite a pressure. I have lots of ideas in mind but I can't seem to put it into action. Golly, I'm sort of "paralyzed" to start this project. A part of me don't want to push it through since I think that my hypothesis will be parallel to the conclusion. I think that it's quite lame to do the process all over again. It's just the same thing except that I'll be exerting more ideas and efforts into this second trial. Well, I guess I just have to do it all over again and if I get a negative conclusion, then so be it. Let it be a theory (or even a LAW) that I'll live with forever.
Sunday, July 03, 2005 If You Forget Me (by Pablo Neruda) I want you to knowone thing. You know how this is: if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window, if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body of the log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals, were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me. Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly you forget me do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you. If you think it long and mad, the wind of banners that passes through my life, and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land. But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me, ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine.
Saturday, July 02, 2005 Yes, it really rained scars and Betadine. -grinz- I don't want to enumerate all the blades that actually slashed on me and created a scar. It's all over. SCAR=PAST It's just amazing why everytime I am wounded by a lot of issues, God will send me his nurses to aid these scars. I'm lucky that God gave me a lot of friends. I mean I know I had lotsa friends. I know a lot of people but I didn't know that most of the people I know really care for me. For the past weeks I have been trying to reach out to the people I thought would save me from this melancholy. Yes, they held my hand but not to tight that they've also let me fall into deeper misery and the people I didn't expect to catch me are just there waiting for my fall... waiting their turn to catch me. As I was falling into that deeper misery, I thought that something's wrong with me because the dropping and hurting process had always been a cycle. I thought that maybe it's just me who has a problem. BUT the people who got a grab of me let me feel that I'm just like everyone who's experiencing a big ball of emotion that is not reciprocated. I am still vulnerable to that fall but I am not scared anymore because I know I have a wide and strong support system just waiting for me to drop and let go.
Friday, July 01, 2005
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