I’m damn sad and I don’t know why. I called this special friend because I thought that I can just talk it all off but it only ended up worse. Now I feel that nobody can understand me. I’m so damn depressed. I just want someone who’ll understand. Someone who’ll just fucking shut her mouth and just give me a warm hug and let me feel that all’s gonna be fine. I just want to feel… loved.

Is there anything wrong with me? Am I going nuts? I don’t know. I can’t cry and when I finally feel like crying … circumstances don’t allow me to cry. I wanted to open up to that person. Tell her what I feel. Why I feel this way. She just made me feel like I’m really nuts. Help. I’m trying to be strong and REALLY… I’m about to breakdown. I’m tired of putting up my defenses. I’m tired of smiling in front of everyone when deep inside I’m so down. After what happened, I don’t think anyone can understand me. My special friend told me that she has done everything to make me happy. I know that and I felt that. I was happy. She made me happy but I can’t be happy all the time. She really doesn’t know where I’m coming from. I don’t think she gets it. The hell with these emotions! I feel so stupid for even trying to show what’s really inside my heart. I think I love that special friend already (no doubt about it…). The fact that I was trying to show her my “down” side means a lot. I mean… I don’t just blurt out my emotions to anyone. All I got from her a while ago was something that’ll only make me feel… emotional.

When you love someone… you’ll just be there no matter what mood she’s in. You’ll stick to her and hear her out no matter how many times she has told you the same issues. You’ll just let her feel that you’re there… that she has someone to help her carry her burdens. That special friend failed to show me that today. I don’t know if that’s just her… or it’s because she’s just stoned. After what happened… I don’t think I can tell her whatever’s bugging me. I don’t think I’ll be able to open up. Why will I be open to someone who gets tired of listening to you anyway? This is shit.

I guess I’m really falling for her. I’m trying to control my emotions. I fear that I might just end up crying again. I’ve been trying to let go of the fears because that was what she was telling me and I thought that it’s all good. Even though she’s not the type of person that I would want to be with, I just damn TRUST her. I just don’t know how she feels about me. I don’t know where this is all going (I even stopped expecting!). I noticed that lately, I’ve been checking my phone if anyone texted… and if someone texted, I’d be hoping that it’s her. I hate this feeling. Am I really in love? Damn it. I know that something’s different because I can actually understand whatever stuff about her. I don’t mind if she’s stoned. I don’t mind if she’s a chicquer (this is so not me!). I don’t mind if her x sleeps over her house (soooooooo not me!!!). I just understand. WEIRD. But I mind if she doesn’t text me (like I’ve been waiting for her reply for hours…). It’s bothering me when she tells me that I don’t miss her (when in fact… I DO!?). It buggz me when she’s not around and I don’t get to talk to her. I hate this feeling… Maybe this is why I have to tell myself to do anything in moderation…when it concerns her because I’m really falling - FAST. It’s not that she’s not worth it or anything… I just don’t know how she feels about me and I have to be cautious. I don’t know how she feels towards… “us”. I don’t know. Maybe my heart’s still aching or whatever. I just don’t know.

She told me to call her when I’m already happy (tsk!… this is such a wrong move. RULE # 1: NEVER MAKE ME FEEL ALONE). Well, what if I’ll never be happy? Then I won’t be able to call her? What if I’m still down in the dumps and I just want to hear her voice? Does that mean that I have to pretend to be happy just so I’ll be able to call her? Whatever. I’m just talking shit.

*Although reality bites and the truth hurts... I'll just brace myself. I'll be better in time. I don't want to throw this LOVE away even if it's not exactly what I've expected.