Sunday, June 12, 2005

another still...

I have not been online for the past days. You know… just trying to get over all my issues. I ended up thinking about these...

1. History repeats itself? – Well, I noticed that love is a cycle (o geeze!). I love – I live – I crash – I cry – I break into pieces. Gawd. Sometimes it’s just tiring. It’s scary to love again knowing that someday… that love will eventually break. A good friend told me that that cycle will stop once you’ve seen THE ONE (not again!). The big Q is… Will I ever find the one?
2. Or… maybe everytime you love… that person becomes THE ONE? Love can make that person so perfect in anyone’s eyes? Whatever. I’m damn sleepy.
3. If love is a cycle… Does holding back on love prevent you from breaking apart? – Honestly… I think it does prevent you from messing up your life BUT it does not allow you to experience the height and ecstasy of love (which rarely happens to anyone). You see, Love can break me off THAT easily. It makes me vulnerable. With all that happened to me… I am scared to love again. I fear that they will just occupy a big part of my heart and then leave it shattered after quite sometime.
4. Lesbo relationships don’t really last… but is there any way to at least… ‘preserve’ them? – Gawd. I dun think I’m making any sense. Gotta stop this.
5. Is this it? coz if it is... Fucker.

caeyo : FAILED LAHAT.caeyo : every tv show narerelate ko.caeyo : ano ba un!? para nako krung krung!friend : :D friend : hala kafriend : you have been bitten my the love bugfriend : by*caeyo : hahahah!caeyo : love bug! wala bang baygon jan?!caeyo : corneeeee!


6. didn't make this.

ABOUT LAST NIGHTskin on skinlips on lipsi feel your breath grows heavilyas i take minesurrendering to my embracei held you tightercloser...defeseless...caught off guard.no holding backyou submit to my arms..the touch that you've longed for all these yearsI will take youcrash into your sweet surrenderto steal you againfrom the existence of limitaitionsa place where time stands stilland to learn to fly without wings.


7. oh.. I made this one..

PAROXYMS OF DELIGHT
She lies awake…
Closes her eyes…
Trapped in a reverie…
Floating in the sky.
The heat of your body…
Enfolded her soul…
Overlooking the limits…
And failing to recall.
Getting acquainted…
…with every inch of your skin…
Losing control...
And burning every minute…
Completely captivated…
In the paradise of your eyes.
With one innocent touch…
Hearts began to race…
Sending off a message…
That not even years can erase.
You touched her core…
And brought her back to life…
Surrendering voluminous emotions…
While feeling your heart.
All’s different…
She’s about to give in again…
To the enchantment of affection…
That she had slain.
Trying not to think…
For it will spoil the moment…
Fearing tomorrow…
Dreading the end. 06090510:39
I was able to talk to my x and it turned out that she was bitter. She admitted it to me. I miss her so much. I’m going to miss all the little details about her. Not everyone knows that she has to put socks on her left foot first before her right or else her day would not feel right (now everybody knows! Haha!) - Oh you know… those simple things that make the person you love seem so adorable?! I clearly understand what she’s going through right now. Even if I didn’t mean to hurt her… the pain’s done already… and I did hurt her. She’s hurting… all because of me. I remember when we were still together… I really try to be very sensitive to her needs. I want to be the one to wipe away her tears whenever she confides her deepest problems. I’ve always wanted to be her “savior”. I still can’t believe that I’m the one who’s making her cry right now. I wish I can still hug her tight…just feel her close to me and tell her that everything will be fine… that I’m still here… and nothing has changed…BUT… things really did change.

I cannot deny the fact that I still love my x and every time I smile… laugh or fool around… I’m just DYING inside. I have to be strong. I’ve been telling myself that… over and over. (Hey, maybe you think that I don’t understand… But I do…) … I also feel helpless… I know gurls are more free now to approach her and take her away from me but that’s just the way it is. Although I love her with all of me… my x has to move on… and so do I. I’ll forever have her in my heart and that is just enough to give me strength to face the other tests of life.

I'll get through this... I HOPE.

June 03, 2005
Sooooo not in the mood. I can't take anymore shitz. Everything's hard to understand lately. I don't want to think. I don't know what to believe in and what not. Fuckerooo...
Been talking with my bro..
bro : gusto ko sya forever nacaeyo : awwwwww..................bro : i feel secured
Gawd. Her gurl's lucky. My bro's also lucky. It's hard to find someone real now a days. I've got so much love to give... but... it's either people take it for granted... or they take advantage of it. Please... no more shitz. Please lang.
*if someone throws a stone on you, throw back love. But if someone throws love at you... THINK. THINK WELL. Don't just throw back love because it might hurt more than a stone.*
I can't sleep. Been talking to my big bro... and surfin the net. I found this one...
OPEN RELATIONSHIP- A sexualove relationship in which the partners have agreed that each may independently form outside sexualove relationships; A relationship in which both partners are free to date or have sex with other people.

Can an open relationship work?
Mr. Answer Man says: Of course not! Can you think of a single one that has?

Now this is not to say that a man and a woman can't find themselves getting together regularly for recreation and copulation. Happens all the time. But let's not fool ourselves -- if someone you know wants an "open" relationship, all he really wants is permission to fool around.

What's required is courage. If a guy wants "open," demand that he be brave enough to let things be what they are without rushing to define them. If he wants "relationship," demand that he be brave enough to give himself fully. Both options are wonderful, but to go for both is to experience neither.

Do you think Mr. Answer Man is right? <-- NO VIOLENT REACTION.

I woke up today feeling gloomy. The pain from my big break up stabs me deeper everyday. I have to accept that everything about ‘us’ is gone… I’m just left with her memories. I know I’m going to cherish these memories as long as I live.

I’m down in the dumps. I can’t eat. I stopped taking my medicines. I try not to think. I’m so irritated with almost any petty things. I don’t even want to check my cellphone, it only reminds me of her (we bought it together). I’m a mess right now. I have to get out of this house… buy stuff (yes… with the money I saved coz I thought I’m gonna buy her a new phone for our 2nd anniversary)…spend it all … go home… be alone and cry.

Just this morning, my x texted me. She asked me if I was able to enroll myself in school yesterday (I hate enrolling! Such a hassle!). And so I replied…told her what happened. It’s kind of suprising because after all that happened between us she is still very supportive. She always wanted me to be at the ranks. We exchanged several messages. I guess we’re FRIENDS now. I guess she has forgiven me though I know that she will never forget what I did to her. I’m slowly accepting things. I guess there are just some things that we cannot alter and all that’s left for us to do is to acknowledge it. That’s the way it should be.

Me and my sister had a serious talk. Even if she’s just a kid (yes! She’s turning 13 next Saturday)… she can also be a great adviser. She told me that my break up has a purpose (AS USUAL! WHAT THE HELL IS THE PURPOSE?!). She has been trying not to infuriate me. She’s actually trying to connect and take my mind off these problems. It’s funny because her gurl’s trying to hook me up with one of their friends. (PUH-LEEEZ!) But I appreciate their efforts (and the butchee they're tryin to hook me up with is a cutie! Tinerz, can't believe u have a good eye for butchees! HA!). I think hooking up with someone after a big break up is LAME. I’ve tried that in the past and it didn’t do me any good. Yes, you feel good with that new person around… but after that… it’ll only make you reminisce about the past or sometimes even compare your experiences with your x and the new gurl. You’re only fooling yourself. You can never teach your heart to love the new person and get over the one you really love. It just happens.

I say taking things slowly is the key. I want to fully recover and find THE ONE… the REAL ONE who can shower me with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and HAPPINESS.

“Whoever said there were plenty of fish in the sea was lying. Sometimes, there’s only one fish.” (from Ally Mcbeal!) – I think whoever said that there were plenty of fish in the sea WASN’T lying. There are lotsa fish out there… millions of them… but there’ll always be ONE fish that’s meant for you. Maybe we’ve just grown attached to a fish we’ve caught… so we think that that fish is the only fish around… But if we learn to set them free… For sure when we sail again… we’re gonna find another fish… who knows? That fish might be THE FISH – THE ONE AND ONLY FISH YOU ARE LOOKING FOR! (gawd… do I sound like I’m forever hoping?!geeze.). I’m gonna be with that ONE fish someday and I’m gonna be happy. Oh.. whatever.

yesterday's blog...
I went to school today and hang out with the PEEPZ. I missed them. They’re always there for me every time my life sucks. Mmm… well, I had a rough day. I’m sooo not over with my gurl (hellur?! It just happened last night!). I don’t know how to patch things up between us. I don’t even know if I really want us to be together. I don’t know. I don’t want to think. I don’t even want to feel (yeah because I’m hurting). I feel so tired that I just want to cry. I have loved my gurl more than anyone else. I did all sorts of stuff just to save our relationship… and I don’t know why I can’t seem to move…see her and just hug her tightly like I used to do. Is it because things are different now?

When I was very sick last summer… she went over to my place and brought a big box of pizza for my parents (yeah! For my parents and not for me! Ha!). It was raining so hard but she still visited me. My parents liked her… especially my mom. Yeah, of all people.. my mom! I also remember when we played UNO at her place and just eat ,laugh and hangout. She’s a very jolly, focused and lovable person and I’m really really sorry that things didn’t work out between us. I’m just… sad. Very sad. …and I feel like everything’s my fault.

I know I’ll be fine. Time can heal all wounds. I’m really going to miss her. She was my bestfriend. She knew everything about me… my moods, what I like… what I dun like… my family issues…how to make me laugh… what pisses me off… everything. She inspired me in a lot of ways. She pushed me to study hard and aim higher. She taught me good things/values that not even my own parents taught me. She was like an angel… she set my tracks. She showed me what’s important and what’s not. Even though we don’t see each other that much… I can still feel that she was there for me all the time. And everything was right… I was happy… in love… focused… everything was organized… my relationship with my family changed… I was doing GREAT (imagine!? Great?!) in school… everything was perfect… but now I realized that something is still missing. I don’t know what that something is. I’ve been trying to find what’s missing. Well, our relationship wasn’t perfect (of course!) … We don’t really flirt with each other (unless…-smirks-) … She calls me panget.. negra.. garapata and all that. It didn’t annoy me… It was just our “terms of endearment”. Maybe it’s just that… we acted like we’re FRIENDS (period! ---with benefits of course!) and I needed a GURLFRIEND. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I don’t think I’m making any sense. Gawd. She didn’t make me feel like I’m beautiful (WTF?! NAH… seriously! With the dress code and sobrang few compliments.. I can count them with my fingers…). ARgh. I don’t know. This is hella shallow…I have to think deeper… but something’s really missing. …………… AYUN! JACKPOT! I KNOW! I don’t feel like I’m needed (just a little something I learned from a ‘friend’). Well, she needs me when I have to call BPI, GLOBE, check some stuff, -grinz-, do her crew’s evaluation… those temporary stuff/chores. Whew! Ewan.

I know I hurt her feelings when she saw the picture in my email. I know that she won’t believe whatever I’m gonna tell her. –sigh- I’m sorry Kuting…I’m very sorry.

This break up is different. We’ve separated several times… and I always cried my heart out. I just don’t know why I can’t cry anymore. I’m sad… really. I feel so alone. And just whenever I’m about to breakdown… something inside tells me NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. YOU WIN SOME… YOU LOSE SOME. GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR EVERYTHING. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Whatever. Well, GOD… please show me your purpose because this is just driving me nuts!

Ok… Change topic! Well, me and my friend talked and… geeze…what’s new?… it was fun. Everything about us is just clashing! HA! She’s a very peculiar influence. I guess I am still in a dreamy state when it comes to her… however… every time we talk… reality crashes in. I admit I live in this “dreamy” world and she just rocks it with everything that she says (you rock my world… la la la). I believe that I can get whatever I want as long as I wait for the right time.. and uh… if I work hard for it. I don’t just jump and do whatever crazy stuff. I can’t just make a decision in just a snap of a finger and deal with the consequences. I have to analyze first. I have to be familiar with everything before doing something because I know that there are some consequences that I don’t want to deal with. I don’t want to be THAT crazy…but I guess I’m already THAT crazy. She’s making me crazy. I’m just wondering why every time we talk… I can’t seem to tell her what I feel or sometimes I tell her what I feel but it doesn’t sound sincere enough. Talk about Reaction Formation! I really really like her. I liked the person I met years before… and although it’s really hard to believe I’m loving the person (not sure though…) I’m getting to know right now. She’s making my burden a bit lighter. She can make me smile even during the hardest of times. She’s scary – very scary …..but…… she’s a great friend. –pouts-

-sigh- I swear I will really try to take my time…heal my wounds… and go on with my life. I will love again and I will never commit the same mistake ever. As for my x… I hope she’ll soon forgive me. I’ve learned my lesson. I know it’s inevitable not to get hurt (damn it!) but I’ll try my best to avoid hurting people.

I don’t want them to experience my greatest fear.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005
I lost my gurl 23 days before our 2nd year anniversary. Don't Ask. I still can't believe that this is happening... yes... after 23 months. It's over.
GOD,please... happiness and unconditional love lang po... if you're feeling a bit generous... DL narin. I'll be good. I swear... I'll be good.
Sooooooooooo not sleepy.
…For some reason, I don’t know how to start this entry. I’ve been staring at the monitor for an hour and some minutes (no kid). I’m having a hard time organizing my thoughts. I don’t think you wanna know what I’m going through right now. I am happy… I am sad… I am frustrated… I am… I don’t know. This’ll be my last entry because of some fucking ‘issues’ .
I don’t think the stuff that I’m going to put here tonight will make sense. I don’t understand a lot of things right now. I’m trying to be in control but I feel like I’m really screwing up. I am very happy… but I’m sad as well. I can’t find the right words to describe what I’m feeling. I just want to cry it all out (what’s new?).
TRIVIA: Do you know that I smile a lot so that no one will see how empty I feel? Nah uh… I don’t think you know that. I don’t think you know me at all. I always feel empty but today’s different… I feel so complete. It scares me a lot because I know this feeling won’t last. Here I am again… my heart on the line…just waiting for someone to step on it. I guess I will never learn.
I know I’m gonna have to stop soon… and I’m going to be empty again... Whenever I think about it… it upsets me. I have “the moment”… at the wrong time. I don’t think you’ll understand. I’m as complicated as you are.
My heart’s aching (literally). This’ll be it.



UNSPOKEN
All these kept beneath…
A pile of pretensions and doubts…
A gentle persona locked inside…
All the rules she would not defy.
Years before, she gambled a game…
Her core…
Her heart was at stake…
Leaving behind her pride…
All things ended...
Her spirit died.
She does not expect that you’ll understand…
The purpose of her existence…
She will not hate and live with wrath…
It is not what it’s all about.
She has not found the answer…
To any of your questions.
Broken and confused…
She will just try to be there.
She has her own conviction…
Though she will never argue…
She can only understand too much…
While waiting for the right time…
waiting for the time she will feel your touch.
She remembers a familiar face…
A thief in the night…
Who took a silent part of her…
And drove her to ask WHY?
Though her heart is giving in…
Her will will always be strong.
She does not want to give you the second best…
That, you do not deserve at all.
If fate will lead you to part,
And this is bound to end…
She cannot promise to find you again...
But your memories will play in her heart…
With the pain that no one can mend.
–caey☻


“THE END”---Things might change. We don’t know what might happen. My greatest fear right now is that you might wake up… and I’m gone. I just want to let you know that I value you so much. Thank you.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
I missed my gurl's text coz I was chatting with a friend. She was quite drunk and she has been telling me stuff that she's not really suppose to tell me. I respect that friend so much that I didn't hang up on her. Honestly, I wasn't enjoying the conversation (pare! HOTSEAT!). I don't enjoy chatting with drunk people. Sometimes they talk with sense... but most of the time... they just don't screen what comes of their mouth. Last night was a big turning point for me. Things get clearer everyday... I LOVE MY GURL... I think that's the lesson fate wants me to learn. I am liking other people... but I like them to be my friends. I want to be with them... I want to meet them... because I want to have a lot of friends and it's just sad coz that friend I was talking with last night told me that.. it's ALL OR NOTHING. I don't wanna deal with the "all or nothing" stuff. That's bull but what can I do? I respect and UNDERSTAND her. Even if I'm already attached to her and I know I'll cry my heart out for making this decision but... my answer wd be... NOTHING. I know I can show her that I love her... she's important to me and all that but I don't think I'll be happy with her coz my heart's just not totally with her right now. As I've mentioned... I love my gurl and I don't care if we seldom see each other... we're busy ... we don't talk... we're like water and oil... whatever differences we have... I just don't care. I love her and she's my life now. There's no going back.
I am soooo not ok. I'm missing my gurl...I just want to hug her right now. I dunno how she's doing. We've been quite busy with our lives for the past days BUT I am still in love with her. I don't want anybody to take her place and even if I'm screwing up right now... I know... in my heart that she's the one I need and she's who I want to be with. I swear to GOD I love her with all of me.
I believe that if you really want to be with a person... you have to be patient. You have to wait til it's the right time (for me... there's always a RIGHT TIME for everything)... you have to prove her your worth by stayin by her side and be a friend. YOu don't have to buy her stuff or surprise her with you're creativity... you're patience and will is enough.
"The will is strong but the flesh is weak" -- I think it's soooo untrue. Yes, we're only humans and there are times when we give in to whatever temptations we're faced with but GOD has given us our rational mind to think things over a hundred times. If that phrase will always be the basis of whatever decisions we make... then what differs us from animals?

Saturday, May 28, 2005
Good morning! A lotta things happened yesterday... went to the mall... had a fight with my gurl... bonded my with mom.... etc.
Well, today... uhm... how do I start this... this is one fuckin day. Have I been really stupid these past few days? I don't know if I'm being fooled or what. Maybe I'm letting other people fool me. My defenses are down. I'm tryin to be happy and perky but I'm really disappointed. I wish I know the truth. I really hope I'm not bein played. Don't ask.
...I'm missin my friends right now. Everytime somethin like this happens, they're just there for me. I'm feelin knda low. Me and my gurl had a fight. She quite mad about somethin I didn't really mean. I was just teasing her about some super shallow stuff (don't ask coz it's really shallow) and I dunno wut happened...she got mad. I guess I was really tactless.
All's clear now. I love my gurl and no one can ever replace her.
I have a friend... we had this 'thing' goin on (that was soooo long ago)... and it didn't work out. The other day, I was able to chat with her bestfriend and she had a great convincing power that she was able to convince me to reconnect and talk again to her best bud. Today when I opened my account, that 'friend' had a message... and I missed her. She is really nice to me. I'm glad we're ok now.
uhm... oh... beautiful stranger's gurl added me to her friends list. I was surprised. She's friendly and polite naman. She asked if we can be friends ... stuff like that. Well, why not? I think I like her... I think she's nice. But... I don't know if beautiful stranger and this gurl are still together. Well, I hope so. They look great together. ...But if that's the case... it's kinda upsetting coz beautiful stranger told me that they broke up already. I don't know if that's the truth but I'm keepin my mouth shut. I saw their pictures at the gurl's account and they look really happy. They had their anniversary : May 17. I remember beautiful stranger told me that they broke up before their anniversary. Well, whatever. Let's just hope she's not telling a lie. I don't deserve any shitz like that.

Yesterday... I went to another cardio... was there almost the whole day... took tests... and voila! I got the results! Turned out that my cardiologist prescribed me something that'll only make me feel worse. geeze.
Anyway, today's a new day! I've read my friends' blogs and I often get new stuff to ponder on from them...
1) How would you know if it's love? Everyday we meet new people... and you know.. sometimes we get all excited and we think that we're in love. Or this person probably did somthing that really caught your attention... and you feel like you're in love. Well, I dunno the answer. It's just weird how our feelings can play us... Sometimes we do crazy stuff for a person... and in the end we'll simply learn that we're just infatuated. We embarrass ourselves, exert efforts and all that shit... only to find out that ... it's just a kiddie thing. Frankly, I dunno if that is what's happening to me right now.
2) How do you explain this: She's everything you don't like...but you still find her adorable? Every crazy thing about her seems to draw you even more closer to her. Is that love or you're just getting attached? uh... answer me please...
3) If you lost this person for 2 years (say...you met her at some bar years before...and you actually did EVERYTHING just to find her...) and luckily..you found her... what does it mean? uh... what's the purpose of that? ...
4) How do I save enough money so I can buy my gurl a phne for our anniversary? DAMN. I can't save up.
5) I have a friend who said that I'm making her feel like she's just a "PROJECT" or whatever ...this is a stupid Q... but uh... how do I make her feel special without uhm..... over doin it? aaaaargh! this is crazy. oh. forget it!
Life... oh life.

May 24, 2005
After 2 years of looking for the ‘beautiful stranger’, I finally found her. I have to admit that I felt whole again. Yes, I am happy and contented with almost everything that I have right now - my family (though all of us argue a lot, I’m still happy), my friends (of course, you and the PEEPZ and the others..), my gurl (we’re turning 2), school’s great…social life - good… everything’s fine but something happened today that really made me feel empty again. We got to talk for the 2nd time and (as usual) it was really fun. I’ve gotten to know her more. Some of her stories were hilarious while some almost made me cry. After almost 3 or 4 hours of talking over the phone, we finally ended our convo and from there… my confusion started….
Today, I was able to tell her what really happened after meeting her that night. I told her that I looked for her, I asked people if they know her, chat every night just to find her and even prayed the Novena. I was desperate. I still can’t believe that I’ve gone through all that just to find her and now that I found her… I’m already tied up to someone.
When I was about to put the phone down, she asked me (again) to set a date so we could meet. I told her I’m just going to text her. It’s NOT that I don’t want to see her, I mean… HELLO!? After 2 years of looking for her…GOD, of course I want to see her… I’m just scared. Maybe I’m not just scared because I might not turn out to be someone she expected but I fear that I might lose control and ruin my relationship with my gurl (you know what happened the last time right?). I know we’re just going to meet and hang out but sometimes I just can’t trust my feelings. I don’t get attracted or fall in love easily, but she’s different. When I saw her that night, I fell in love right away. It’s scary.
She told me that she’s just “ACCIDENTAL”..”sabit lang right from the start” and IT CRUSHED ME INTO PIECES because she’s not accidental. Naman. I shouldn’t be acting this way. I made it clear to myself right before I tried to connect with her that I just want to get to know her more… I just want to be friends with her. But why am I injecting a lot of emotions on this one? You know, even if I barely know her… she still means a lot to me. She has been in my heart for years. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to ignore this feeling. I feel like I’m burning every minute. I could have waited for her and see what’s going to happen to us. I could’ve asked her number the night when I first saw her. I could’ve done a lot of things and now… I FEEL like I have to do something. I mean, this is what I’ve prayed for right? And I’m here infront of my pc wasting my 2nd chance.
I can’t make any move because I’m attached. I can’t do what I want. And the last thing I want to do is to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Do I have to pray the Novena again? It’s funny… God blessed me when it comes to “aspects” that some people even envied… yun nga lang… I wasn’t blessed when it comes to this…

Monday, May 23, 2005
I dunno how to start this entry because a lot of information are playing in my mind. I was able to talk to the ‘beautiful stranger’ I’ve been mentioning in my past entries and it got my head spinning. I didn’t quite expect that she’ll turn out that way. Looks can be deceiving. Although some of our ideas are clashing. She’s one smart and sensual woman. Talking to her was fun. I didn’t even realize that we’ve been talking for almost 3 hours (I think). I’ve gotten to know her more.

My head aches right now. I haven’t had much sleep. My heart races again and I’m experiencing chest pains ..yes! AGAIN. I stopped drinking my medicines days ago (err..I mean almost a week?). I’m tired of feeling weak because of these medicines which I think doesn’t even do me any good. My parents have no clue that I stopped taking ‘em already. I don’t want them to worry about me. I don’t want to take any more tests. I don’t care and I don’t wanna know what’s making me sick. I mean, maybe it’s just psychological. I don’t wanna meet my cardiologist… I’ll only feel hopeless. He’ll just ask me to take this and that test… DUH!? I give up. It’s not like I’m going to die. Life is really short. It scares me sometimes.

Got a Q … IS IT GOOD TO BE CYNICAL? That’s one of the info. That has been rockin my brain. You see, if one becomes cynical, he’ll be wasting his “here and now”. He’ll be trashing “the moment” and every moment counts (HA!). I had a good discussion with my dad and ask him what he thinks about being CYNICAL.. I am cynical. It’s good to be cynical. I mean, I guess being cynical is just natural. I guess everyone of us has this skeptic side. If a stranger offered you food, would you eat it? It’s normal that you’ll have second thoughts about the stranger’s gesture or even about the food. Some may take the food and eat it while others simply won’t but there’ll be a teensy winsy part of them that’ll be doubting. Am I making any sense? Well, I dun really care.

It’s May 23! Our monthsary. We just turned a year and 11 months. Can’t believe we reached this stage. You know, even if I’m pretty contented and happy with our relationship, I still can’t imagine us being together “forever”. It’s not like I’m looking for someone greater than her. Nope, not that coz I’ve been really hoping that our relationship will last. Well, nothing lasts forever but I’m sure I don’t want to lose her. It’s just different. We’ve been together for quite a long time and we still laugh about things, we still get kiligz, we never rn out of stories to tell… it’s almost perfect. She’s my bestfriend and sometimes my worst enemy (haha!). We’re 2 different souls but we get along pretty well.

I read my friend’s blog and I saw this part…
to my closest of closest friends, almost my bestfriend, really; who was always there, rain or shine, looking after me, happy or sad. after reading this line you'll know who you are, i hope you get over ----- soon. if not, ill help you get over that person, just like you helped me. thank you so much:)

To my friend:
Hey, I just want to tell you that I am so blessed to have you in my life. You’re like a real sister to me and I love you. I mean it …from the bottom of my amygdala *winks* I’m happy that you’re ok now. Thank you for being with me all this time. Don’t worry about ----- I got the closure that I needed. I’m so ok now though I get kiligz at times. Haha! Mwah! I’ll see you soon!

Even if my head's killing me right now, I'm sooo happy. Don't ask why... coz I don't know the answer.

Sunday, May 22, 2005
It's my cousin's birthday! We just got home from Libis and I'm sooo tired. I'm not in the mood to socialize or whatever. Having lunch with the whole clan is draining. I met my other cousins... updated each other about our lives and then... that's it. Saw my grandpa. I missed him.
I'm back at the house... but I think I'll be going to Glorietta (my second home! haha!). I have to deposit my allowance coz if I won't be able to deposit it today, for sure... it'll be all gone by next week. I'm trying to save up. I promised kuting something. Honestly, I don't know if I still want to buy her one. Why? It's because sometimes I don't think she cares about me. She promises me simple stuff like she'll be going home early blah blah blah.. but then she breaks most of them. Just yesterday, I caught her lying about this "emergency meeting". I almost got mad. I hate liars... I hate people who break their promise. Promises aren't bound to be broken. That's bullshit. Right now... I'm so fed up with her.
I was reading my friend's blog and I got this line from her --->The past is still alive and we are sustained by it only because we remember. <--- so true. I guess I'm haunted by the "beautiful stranger" thing coz everything that happened to us the night I met her is just so ALIVE. But I'm getting by... bit by bit. Today, I didn't greet her goodmorning. I was talking to my friend last night about her and I realized that she's just not interested in building a good friendship with me. Because if she does, then she'll text me first. Right? I kinda feel stupid whenever she dsn't reply. Right now, I think it's over. Even though I'm tempted to send her a message or even give her a call... it's just over. I have to get over it. I have my own life and she's got hers and ... it just won't connect. It's sad. Just thinking about it makes me sad... but no regrets. I made a move and nothing happened. It's just over.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Only less than an hour left before a new day starts! Guess what? I sent a goodmorning message again. Yes, again. I think it's a habit already! haha!
Anywayz, me and my friends are chatting right now. Talking about love and all the stuff that goes with it. I read one of my friends' blog and it almost made me cry. She loved a guy. It's just not any guy - she waited for the guy. I guess it took her years before they got connected again (not sure though). To make the long story short, it didn't work out. I can say that she did all that she can to make it work. She was straightforward and gutsy and all. For me, she did a really great job and it's the guy's loss.
Right now, I wish I am as gutsy as my friend. I waited for 2 years just to see this person again. I don't care if she's years older than me or whatever, I just have to know her more. I can still remember April 2003... after I met her... I swore to myself that I'm going to find her and when I find her, I'm going to tell her how much I feel for her (I was in love with her that time). And now, I have her number, we text... but I can't just tell her everything. I remember some of my friends telling me to move on because she's just some stranger you get to meet at bars. Some of them even laughed their asses off. I chat everynight from April to June 2003. I told myself that I won't stop til I find her. I even prayed the Novena. I prayed so hard so that I'll be able to find her again. I just wish God would give me the closure that I needed. I've been like this for two years and the person I've been hoping to be my 'friend' doesn't have a clue with what's going on. Damn it.
Today, I went to Shangrila (and Mega mall...then Glorietta... haha!). I got lost on my way to Ortigas. I texted my mom and I didn't know that I sent the message to 'beautiful stranger' instead of sending it to my mom. It was just a while ago when I was erasing my "sent messages" when I found out that I had texted my message to her (no wonder my mom's not replying..geeze). Guess what? She didn't bother to tell me that I sent her my mom's message. I mean, I was lost - The message clearly tells that I am lost. Should I be acting this way? Is it right for me to act this way?
You know,it's hopeless. How can I tell her the stuff that I've been wanting to say if I can see that she just don't care? Should I go for it or should I just let this pass?

Friday, May 20, 2005
I woke up and pushed myself to send her a goodmorning message again. Ok, I didn't really pushed myself to send her a message. It was like an automatic thing. I grab my phone and texted away. She replied with a simple "sup?" and it took me an hour before I was finally able to text (I fell asleep). I replied and said "Nothing much. Sup with you?" and until now she hasn't replied. Now I feel like befriending her isn't a good idea. The idea is bananas! From now on, I swear I am not going to text her - first. Do I sound like I like her? Well, I don't. Or maybe I'm in denial? Oh. I don't know. The night I met her is haunting me.Probably because I was the one who pushed her when she was asking me to stay. I can still clearly remember the words that she has spoken. "What if I tell you I don't want you to go?". Gawd. I can't believe those words captured me like hell. What if I stayed that night? What could've happened? Oh you know that I am very happy with my life and I feel complete but why am I still trying to be closer to this person I met 2 years ago. I feel like it's ruining my happy life. This is getting complicated. I am making things complicated for myself. What do you think I should do? I can't deny the fact that I am still waiting for her message but I guess I just gotta quit. Is this what God wants to show me? I mean, finding someone you thought you've lost is something right? There's something in it. Or am I the only one who's thinking that way?
Anywayz, I'm going to the mall with my parents. We have to buy some stuff for school. I told them to give me the money instead and I'll do my own shopping. They told me we'll just split when we're there. They know that they won't be able to stand my shopping so they decided to split up with me once we all got there. My sister's not going. How come she's not going and I still have to go? She's sacrificing her buying of stuff for some cartoon prog. Geeze. She's lucky coz her birthday's comming up so, she'll be having lotsa stuff from my parents - for sure. I don't want to leave the house for no particular reason; I just don't feel like socializing at all. I guess the only person I want to see is my gurl. We haven't seen each other for weeks. She's busy working and I'm busy thinking about a lota shitz. I miss her.

Thursday, May 19, 2005
I was still groggy...still sleepy when I pushed myself to text her again. She didn't reply to my cornee text last night. I thought I had to text her for closure. So I greeted her a goodmorning. Although I was still sleepy, I am sooo not expecting that she'll be replying to my message....Finally, my cellphone beep. That really woke me up. I reached for my phone and read her message -"Hu U?". That short reply really made my day! And so I introduced myself to her. FYI, I can do all sorts of crazy stuff but introducing myself to someone whom I've been searching for 2 years is not my forte'. Until now, I'm still in a dreamy state. I can't believe that IT REALLY IS A SMALL WORLD. I kinda told her that she's familiar blah blah blah but I don't think she remembers me. Well, who would? I was just a little girl back then. I was just 17! Anyway, we got to text. I've gotten to know her in just a few messages. The "psychology" thing is really getting into me. I can read her like a book with just a few words that she used. I feel like she doesn't like commitment, she likes freedom. I can sense that she's a very sensual person. She has a way with words. But I don't have to worry about anything because I made it clear right before I texted her that I just want her friendship and nothing more. I am so in love with the person I am with right now. I get mad at her at times coz she's really hard headed but I love just they way she is. I mean, I wouldn't want to change anything from her even if it costs me my tears sometimes. We're turning 2 years on June. Pretty long huh? Well, we've broken up several times.. But here we are... still together. I am now happy and contented with our relationship. I love her and nothing's gonna change that... not even the beautiful stranger I met at the bar.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005
BOREDOM. argh. Classes will start soon and I haven't had any "adventures". I'm bored. My life is boring. B-o-r-e-d. Nothing's the same.
Mmmm... There's this party at QC. I heard it's the coming of HerShe. Interesting! I don't know if I'm going since everybody seems to be busy. My friends in school - for sure.. they won't go to that party especially if they learn that it's an ALL GURLZ party. -sigh- Mmm... my other friends... they're all working. I'm sure they're pretty busy with their own lives now. Mmm... my gurl? geeze. She slept over at someone else's house. I dunno whose house it is. I'm plain mad. I was waiting for her text til 4 am. Yes... idiotic me. I have no plans of talking to her right now. I don't know whether to believe her. Lately, she has been going home late because of some meetings and bullshits. I just don't know what to believe and what not. She lied to me in the past and I know this is a different story but... oh you know how hard it is to trust someone after she wasted your trust. It's sad because I am trying to be the best gurlfriend ever. I try not to get mad at almost anything but I guess she pushed her luck too damn much. gawd.
still haven't texted. i guess I'm wasting my second chance.

Monday, May 16, 2005
"This is your second chance kaya make good stuff follow it" - best ever advice I got today.
It's a Monday and I got nothing to do. Yes, again! I woke up early.. took a bath early and hurried on to my pc. I can't wait to go online. Checked all my accounts. After waiting for days, I finally got a message. From who? Well, it's none of your bussiness. -grinz- I don't know why everytime I see her, my heart beats faster and slower at the same time. Sounds familiar? Could it be that I still like her? No way. After years of looking for her, I can't believe that I finally found her. I've asked tons of friends if they know her. I 've attended parties just to look for her. I've met my gurl because I was looking for her. After years of looking for her, I finally gave up. Just when I've accepted that I'll never be able to see her... that's when she's going to appear from nowhere. I regretted the night when I refused to stay and hang out with her. I really regretted it. I should've stayed there. I could've known her better. We could've been together. We could've been perfect for each other. We could have. I thought I was doing the right thing when I left her at the party. I was playing a "good gurl" back then. Today, when I read her message... I just stared at it for like a minute or so. Everything flashed back. Am I hurting? I don't know. I don't even know if I should reply to her message. I don't know what to tell her.
I'm confused. AGAIN. I love my gurl and maybe I am just trapped with my endless "WHAT IFs".

, May 15, 2005
My pc got reformatted and I lost all my pics and also all the poems that I wrote!!!! GEEZE. Anywayz highwayz... the clan went to rob ermita... and we were there for like... only 2 hours? After that they dropped me to glorietta. I didn't wanna go home right away... I thought kuting will be there but it turned out that she was at the head office. darn. I missed her already. She's such a silly brat... but she's serious most of the time. Next month.. I'm thinkin of buying her this phone. She likes it a lot. It's not colored or sumthin but she likes it. I"m tryin to save up for that. I dunno how I'll do that because I have a lot to buy. School will start next month = lotsa expenses. But Imma try my best. Last year, I didn't do anythin for our anniv. I cared... but I didn't make any effort to make it special. This year will be different. I learned a lot about 'us'.
OH you know.... I already found the 'beautiful stranger' I bumped with at a bar .. 2 years ago. Can't believe when i saw her page. Geeze. small world huh? I'm not nuts about her... like before. Imagine... I met my gurl coz I was lookin for this 'beautiful stranger'. Silly. hope she'll be my friend. she's nice... great dancer (well, we danced... 2years ago.. heheh..)... she's fun to be with. .......I met a lot of people coz of that stranger.I think she has a gurl already. I hope she's happy.. coz I AM. :)

boring....

Unable to choose a single word…
That describes the color of her heart.
The sun has dawned a thousand times.
Nothing’s changed.
You cannot see what is inside…
Blinded by the smile,
Not seeing her eyes.
Seeing the mirth…
Forgetting the tears……
that furtively flowed…
even while you grin.
Why do you stop ……
and cherish her heart?
…when you know …
you don’t really want to be part...
of her world that is so full of you.…
rotten in waiting…hopeless, there’s no meaning…
show actions and words……
all overflowing……
But are all empty?!
and bruised,
You just…Come and go…Come and go…Come and go.
She thought you loved her…
thought you mind.
But you are afraid.
want to run from the truth,
Isn’t she the one who’s behind you……
all the time.She is in pain,
You chose to ignore that…
and thoughtless,
is what you are.
A face like yours…
So beautiful…
kills…an innocent heart…
that happened to be mine.-(09/15/04 – 12:49am)
Posted by Thinker :: 6:37 PM :: 0 Comments:

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