Monday, August 28, 2006 No progress =( Oh God, I want to cry. I was having an ordinary day when one simple text triggered it all. One text message reminded me that I have to work my ass off just to forget something that I’ve been trying to avoid. I’m faced with all the works that are to be done in school. Like: 
Sunday, August 27, 2006 I’m so happy that I’m back in the comforts of my room. It’s not easy being a “HIDALGO”, it is actually a burden. The Hidalgo is a set of fairly wealthy people who requires a lot from simple beings like me. They’ve been forcing me to socialize and whenever I fail to do that, they call me “anti-social”. Maybe they just want me to be learn and be exposed but I can mingle with anyone it’s just that I’m very picky. I only mingle with GENUINE people. I see no point in interacting with the FAKES … I’ll only get fake smiles, fake compliments, and fake relationships. The last time I went to La Union was when I was getting my heart mended while trying to divert my attention to my family. Just last night while I was on my way back to Manila, I realized that my heart did not mend at all. I just closed it and now I don’t know if I can still open it. I’m still afraid of getting committed to the extent that I drive people away. What is the cure for this? How will it be cured? Maybe I’m still struggling with the reality that nothing is permanent in this life. The death of Lolo, the strong relationships that have ended, and the mere expiration of canned food… testify that things change and all ends. The battle with reality is probably what makes some people depressed. If nothing is nothing is permanent in this life, what then is the point of working hard? Engaging in a relationship? Striving for success? Living? My answer: Maybe it’s man’s hunger for a moment of happiness.
Monday, August 21, 2006 Her heart is empty but her mind is full. The rush of thoughts consumes her body. Trying to not to feel, she wants to burst from her nothingness. In the midst of this state,she was perilously drawn... ...to a seemingly light... an instrtrument of her salvation. Who was she kidding but her self?! - a dreamy dancer, in search for her partner. And a dream of sharing one rythm to each other. Every ray of light puts her into a trance. Convincing to give an illusion another endless chance. Stubborn as she is, she wouldn't step into the abyss of today. And the haunting pleasures of temptation... ...of a scenario that's not meant to stay.
Thursday, August 17, 2006 What happened to my Lolo is just... heartrending. Apparatuses were attached to him and he was shaking. I held his hand. It was actually the first time I did that and I was secretly wishing that I could've held his hands and throw some corny jokes when he can still laugh with me. I was on my way to visit him when it suddenly hit me... Everything can happen in just a snap. A split second can alter one's lifetime and no matter what we do and how we do it we can never bring back that same split second. I worry about a lot of things most of time. I have been crying buckets of tears for someone who doesn't even know that I'm still crying. I have been studying my head off just to make a "come back" in the DL. I have been trying to really dress up so to feel pretty every ugly day. I have been absent from the real essence of LIFE. I forgot what life is all about. Is it about Love? Is it about success? Is it about money? Is it about Religion? I am completely lost and I have wasted gazillions of my time ... probably for nothing really worth living.
Monday, August 14, 2006 Every rain drop reminds me that I ‘m pressured to put a happy front. Every rain drop reminds me that I’ve been left alone and I’m just too damn busy to let it all sink in (again). Every rain drop reminds me that I lost the very core of my life. Every raindrop reminds me that I am battling with myself – with my heart. Every raindrop reminds me that I would still give up everything just to turn back the hands of time. Every raindrop reminds me that I am drowning in a pool of misery. Every raindrop reminds me why I don’t want to engage in another fucken relationship. Every raindrop reminds me that I am silently waiting for my sun’s return.Every raindrop reminds me that I am sick of pretending. Every raindrop reminds me that all my questions have remained unanswered.Every raindrop reminds me all that I’ve done just to get back on track. Every raindrop reminds me that I’ve done everything but I’m still a failure. Every raindrop reminds me that I’m tired. Every raindrop reminds me that I lost my safest place. Every raindrop reminds me that I can never have her back and I have to deal with that mother fuck'n fact.
Thursday, August 10, 2006 I see myself reaching for my phone and pressing those numbers and wait... and listen... and just be silent for I don't have any idea of what I really want to say. Or maybe I simply don't know where to start. Will it be worth the time? Will it be worth my breath? Will it be worth the pain? Maybe it will be. No. It will surely be. For whenever I close my eyes and relive those moments... I then again realize that those were the best moments of my life.
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